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Happy 15th Birthday, Portland Mercury! A Note from Editor in Chief Wm. Steven Humphrey



Monday, March 17, 2014

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Mar 17, 2014 at 9:29 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! She had dumps like a truck truck truck. Thighs like what what what. Baby move your butt butt butt. Uh, I think to sing it again. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Well, it's official: Crimea declares its independence from the Ukraine, leading to an almost certain annexation by Russia. In response, European officials as well as America level tough economic sanctions against Russia, while Putin shrugs and says, "What am I supposed to do? Like the beautiful women, Crimea can't help but fall in love with me."

In response to the economic sanctions, a Kremlin-backed journalist said on his TV show, "Russia is the only country in the world that is realistically capable of turning the United States into radioactive ash." Oh, go fuck yourself, Ivan.

Meanwhile Sen. John McCain had his own tough words for Putin: "Russia is a gas station masquerading as a country." OUCH! Wicked sick burn, dude!

The disappearance of that missing Malaysian jet keeps getting more and more mysterious, with officials now backtracking on certain details, and claiming that the pilots may have been complicit... or maybe not. Or maybe!

A 4.4 magnitude quake hits Los Angeles on the heels of the quake that rocked northern California last week. (Do you have your earthquake kit stocked up? You don't even have one, do you? Well... your choice. But you can't have mine!)

US Navy SEALs have taken back an oil tanker that had been commandeered by three armed Libyans earlier this month. Not as impressive as Zero Dark 30—but still pretty boss.

North Korea fires 25 short-range missiles into the Sea of Japan, but claim it was only ten. (I think they're missing the point.)

Guinness beer joins Heineken and Sam Adams brews in refusing to participate in NYC's St. Patrick's Day parade due to absolutely ridiculous rules against LGBTQ participants. In response, Paddy O'Shea the Leprechaun said, "What? I guess ye be forcin' me to drink Coors, then?"

The Rev. Fred Phelps, Sr. (of the infamously homophobic Westboro Baptist Church) is reportedly suffering "health problems" and is currently in a care facility. Aaaand I refuse to lower myself to his level by saying anything else about that.

In sports, the Golden State Warriors squeaked the Blazers, 113-112, while the Timbers tie the Chicago Fire, 1-1. Read all the exciting details with Blogtown's round ball fanatic Rob Simonsen, and footy correspondent Brian Gjurgevich!

Now lads 'n' lassies! Here what be occurin' in your neck of the heather: Cloudy with occasional showers this week, with a bonny weekend ahead!

And finally, every year to celebrate St. Patrick's Day, Chicago murders thousands of leprechauns and dumps their blood into the river. Here's a time-lapse video.

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