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Tuesday, March 18, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: A Short Answer to a Hard Problem

Posted by Dan Savage on Tue, Mar 18, 2014 at 10:29 AM

This is a rather unique problem. (Well, the problem isn't unique, but the circumstances are.) I'm hoping you have some advice for me. Actually it would be better if my girlfriend were writing, but she's pretty vanilla and somewhat naive about public sex talk, so...

I am a 40-something year old with a heart problem. About a year ago, I met and fell in love with the most wonderful, amazing, kind, compassionate, gorgeous woman. She was married with two kids, but left her husband for me and now we are dating. Her husband was a selfish, neglectful, cheating POS, and she stayed with him for years because that's just the kind of loyal, kind woman she is. They rarely had sex, even from the beginning (she can't believe they even have kids because it was so rare!), and when they did occasionally, she had what she referred to as "angry sex." So this wonderful woman, in short, has had a very sex-starved life. This POS stole a dozen of her prime years. Enter me.

Here's the problem. Due to my heart condition, I have been slowly and steadily been having sexual dysfunction. When we initially had sex, it wasn't a huge success, and I've had to resort to rubbing or licking her. She is, as I said above, amazingly good hearted and considerate, and she never once complained about it in our initial togetherness phase. But we're starting to spend a lot more time together, and I'm not what I used to be. Ten years ago, I would have been making love to her twice a night, but it just isn't happening now. Oh, and because of my heart condition, I can't take Viagra.

Here's the real knot. While she would never come out and say it, I have strong reason to believe that my girlfriend wants (and deserves) a great deal of vaginal penetrative sex with a real live dick. Who can blame her? She was in that frigid hellhole for a dozen years! But I'm not getting any younger or more virile. We are head over heels in love with each other (when we parted for a while, months ago, it drove both of us to Prozac and deep depression). I think she's amazing in every way. I'm a good role model for her kids. We love to walk, talk, eat, and sleep together. But what about the sex? I'm happy to rub or lick her until morning, but I'm certain she wants more from a man.

I have hinted, obliquely (because she's a bit vanilla and naive) that I wouldn't mind if she uses other men for sex alone and stays with me for love and affection and near-sex. She was horrified at the idea. She would never want to fuck anyone she didn't love. I'm becoming increasingly concerned. I don't want to lose her, but I also feel like I don't even deserve her.

I don't know if you have any ideas or if this is just way out of your wheelhouse, but if you have any words of advice I'd love to hear them.

Half-Erect And Really Tragic

My response... after the jump.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Not just for lesbians anymore.*

* Some men are threatened by these things. But I figure a guy who isn't threatened by the thought of the woman he loves climbing on another man's dick—and kudos to you—won't be threatened by the thought of strapping a dick on when his own isn't cooperating. And many of the newer, more-expensive, higher-quality dildos out there are pretty good approximations of "real live dick." Good luck, HEART.

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