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Saturday, March 22, 2014

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Dirk VanderHart on Sat, Mar 22, 2014 at 10:42 AM

In Michigan, land of my birth, a federal judge does what federal judges do these days (they outlaw gay marriage bans). And how does the Great Lakes State—where the Rainbow trout spring, muscled and lustrous, from the streams; where the wild cherries drop ripe, like succulent blood orbs, on the heads of unsuspecting children (that's a good thing)—respond? By pulling a Utah and vowing to fight the ruling.

Committed, loving couples are being married there, nonetheless.

At least Michigan's not Alabama, which is protecting the sanctity of voting with new requirements aimed at populations likely to vote Democrat. The state says it got the all-clear for those changes in a federal court decision this week. But the new ID law is a potentially racist solution in search of a problem.

The public face of Russian leaders is so theatrically stalwart. Economic sanctions being lobbed by the West in response to the country's annexation of Crimea have produced some trepidation, but more manly bluster. “If anybody thinks he can manipulate him in any way, I suppose that would be the last attempt by anyone who did that,” one official says of President Vladimir Putin. “He will not forget that — or forgive that.”

He'll also straight-up raid your air base.

Have Chinese satellites found the missing Malaysia Airlines plane?

Gang violence at its worst is a 14-year-old on a Brooklyn bus recognizing a rival, and mistakenly shooting a 39-year-old father of two in the head (allegedly).

CNN wrote the best possible lead in a story about Kurt Cobain. The staff of Deadspin then wrote several better leads about Kurt Cobain.

You're well within your rights to ignore the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament—currently in its early, most-thrilling rounds—but you people have no sense of self-preservation if you don't cheer on Michigan State University when it takes on Harvard today. If Harvard wins, take it as a sign the nation's crippling wage inequality will continue unfettered, and an omen that the ground will freeze impermeable as steel, denying workaday Americans the ability to grow even the sustaining potato. Harvard will be hoisting trophies and the rest of us will be slurping thin gray gruel. For eternity.

Hot. Dog.

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And of course:

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