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Thursday, March 27, 2014

TRAILER WAR: Ninja Turtles Versus the Wachowskis!

Posted by Erik Henriksen on Thu, Mar 27, 2014 at 10:42 AM

LET US DECIDE WHICH SHALL LIVE AND WHICH SHALL DIE.

Here's the first trailer for the Michael Bay-produced Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, which I would say looks terrible, but it's also Ninja Turtles, and the Ninja Turtles being terrible is part of—actually maybe the entirety of—their charm. Anyway: Megan Fox finally returns to grace movie screens everywhere as hard-hitting reporter April O'Neil, a bunch of CG motion-capture nobodies play the Ninja Turts, and a weirdly bizarre supporting cast includes William Fichtner, Will Arnett, Whoopi Goldberg, and Danny Woodburn (AKA "Demon" on Passions, "Head Dwarf" on Charmed, and "Kramer's Pal Mickey" on Seinfeld). In conclusion, whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat. Also, the Ninja Turtles are all 10 feet tall now and look like baby burn victims.

In other what the fuck news, here's the latest trailer for the Wachowski's Jupiter Ascending, a space opera starring Chatum as "Space Elf #1" and Mila Kunis as "Mila Kunis," an everyday actress from the Planet Earth who has won a trip to Jupiter thanks to a hospital sweepstakes! But inside Jupiter lives Cillian Murphy someone who is not Cillian Murphy, and he just wants to ruin things! BOOM! BOOM! Will they kiss? Due to popular demand, Sean Bean plays the beloved character "Stinger," who is just like Sean Bean, but in outer space.

I think this looks goddamn great—like a painting on an old pulp sci-fi paperback, with all the DGAF verve and ambition and goofiness that the Wachowskis tend to bring to their projects—but I was also the one person on the planet who thought that both Cloud Atlas and Speed Racer were goddamn great, and both of those movies bombed. In conclusion, my enthusiasm is probably cursing this movie. Sorry Wachowskis!

Since I titled this post "Trailer War," and since I shouted "LET US DECIDE WHICH SHALL LIVE AND WHICH SHALL DIE," we should probably vote! Since you probably won't see either of these movies, I guess vote on the one that you're slightly more likely to see? Please remember that all Blogtown votes are permanent and legally binding.

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