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Thursday, April 3, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: Trans Dudes Should Disclose Before Going Down On Their Girlfriends

Posted by Dan Savage on Thu, Apr 3, 2014 at 10:29 AM

I know you'll hear a lot from a lot of folks on this column. I totally get how difficult it is for Marcus. But I strongly feel that Marcus had an obligation to disclose his transgender status before he had sex with his partner.

I'm the partner of a transman and I totally get that Marcus is a man—but he's a different kind of man. He may be better than a bio-born man. He may be nicer. He may be more complete. He may have a bigger dick. But he should have disclosed his difference before. That would have been, well, you know... what's the word I'm seeking? Oh yeah: polite. I think Marcus ruined his chances of being with this woman by not being honest with her (proving that transguys can also be dicks). Kissing? Fine. But I think at the point at which you start taking off your clothes is the point at which you explain things if they are different. I actually feel bad for Marcus. I do. But if you want to successful relationship, he's not really going about it the right way.

As for me, I'm a (mostly) lesbian who is now with a transman. It's not been the easiest journey. But at least it's been an honest one.

Thanks for continuing to write about this topic. It's extremely touchy and sensitive. And I'm sure that some trans activists will disagree with me. But when a transgender person is with someone else, it's nice to consider their feelings as well.

The Partner

P.S. I haven't been keeping up my blog, but here it is...

My response after the jump...

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Thanks for writing, TP, and thanks for the link.

Two different points of view on the disclosure issue were on offer in my response to NCA, the girl who found out her boyfriend was a transman three months (and some oral and fingering) into their relationship. I fell into the obligated-to-disclose camp, guest expert M. Dru Levasseur fell into the not-obligated-to-disclose camp. "Savage Love" readers are now engaged in a lively debate about disclosure—in all its forms—in the comments thread on this week's column. Anyone who wants to get in on the disclosure debate is invited to click here, scroll down, and have at.

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