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It's Time for the Nuclear Option


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Friday, April 18, 2014

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Denis C. Theriault on Fri, Apr 18, 2014 at 8:58 AM

“I didn’t piss in the fucking water." The skateboarding teenager caught on security footage maybe peeing in the Mount Tabor Reservoir—giving rise to another international point-and-laugh session at Portland's expense after officials decided to flush 38 million gallons of drinking water—has told the Oregonian's former night cops reporter his potty-mouthed side of the story. He peed, like, next to the water and not into it.

“Everybody thinks it’s funny and a joke and I’m going to be on the news. It’s no fuckin’ joke, dude. I don’t want people thinkin’ that Dallas is dumb ass because he pissed in the fuckin’ water. In our drinking water. Yeah, that’s fucking awesome. I mean, wouldn’t you be pissed about that?”

Oh, wait, is actual shit still happening in Ukraine? Brief hopes for butt-unclenching—a deal among Russia, Europe, and the US meant to get pro-Russian militias to stand down in the restive east—have been dashed. Militia leaders won't go home until they get an annexation referendum just like Crimea did.

Vladimir Putin, meanwhile, continues with the real talk, this time admitting his real motivation for carving up Ukraine: If he didn't, it might have joined NATO—putting the West right at Russia's front-door. (As opposed to Alaska, which has a real good view of Russia's icy and forbidding back door.)

In Iran, an American-decorated corporate jet was photographed idling in peace on a runway in the country's capital city—an unusual sight, given strict trade sanctions that haven't really been eased despite some gentler diplomacy in recent months. Why was it there? That's a goddamned mystery. The plane belongs to a Utah bank, and that bank says it's as mystified as anybody.

Mount Everest's deadliest day, the people who track these thing are now saying, is today. An avalanche erupted along one of the mountain's more treacherous ascents, killing 12 Nepalese sherpas.

The captain who abandoned his sinking ferry boat, filled with drowning South Korean teenagers, has been arrested. The horror has been so intense that a school administrator rescued from the ship killed himself. He was found hanging in a gymnasium this morning.

A major earthquake has shaken Mexico City and Acapulco this morning, startling Easter holiday vacationers and maybe causing damage. So far, though, reports haven't mentioned much death or destruction.

The Affordable Healthcare Act rolls have now climbed to 8 million and counting—many of them cheaper-to-insure young people—well beyond initial enrollment projections and yet another chance for the president to smilingly wag a middle finger in the face of the Republican Party.

PUT ON YOUR SWEATER, MR. PRESIDENT. AND CHANGE YOUR SHOES.

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