Mercury Staffers are Sent on the Worst Assignments of their Lives... by YOU
My writing staff and I have combed through hundreds of news stories preparing for this week's Mercury-sponsored Late Night Action. We can't fit all of them into the monologue, so here are our favorite 6 stories that you may have missed (with jokes!).
The Portland Police announced plans to carry out a sting on dogs pooping in parks. The chief of police promised that this is an important case utilizing Portland’s best men, and totally not a way to punish Officer Steve for being a dick at last year’s Christmas party. The sting is also the latest in a series of attempts to make local officials say "poop" a lot more. Whenever I hear people say that Portland's a big city I wonder how often The New York Times or LA Times write stories about dog poop, because the Oregonian does it quite a lot.
A Eugene postal worker is suing a family over an attack by their "abnormally dangerous dog," a Siberian Husky named Yukon. I wasn’t there so I can’t really weigh in, but it is dangerously cute to name your Husky "Yukon," right? Maybe a bit on the nose, but cute nonetheless.
An increasing number of couples are attaching "love locks" to Portland’s Steel Bridge, copying a tradition seen across Europe. Look, a love lock in Paris is romantic; hooking a Masterlock to the Steel Bridge gets you a crap smell, graffiti, and a view of a dead body in a dragon boat. One married couple commented they love the trend because "it's a perfect metaphor for our relationship. It goes up, it goes down, but in the end, we've forgotten the combination so there's practically no way we can separate at this moment. Sorry, what was the question?" Couples have also hung locks on the SUICIDE PREVENTION FENCING on the Vista Bridge which is incredibly tone deaf, unless your point is "our relationship is incredibly depressing."
A Portland woman sued Walmart because their $3 shampoo snarled her very long hair so badly she had to cut it off. I’m not usually a sentimental person, but it makes me really sad that Rapunzel shops at Walmart now. Look, if your hair is the most important thing in your life, maybe spend more than $3 on shampoo. Go to Target and buy $4 shampoo; treat yourself. Legal experts are saying she'll probably win, because if there is one thing Walmart has a history of is losing to the little guy.
The Oregonian was awarded a Pulitzer Prize Monday for a series of editorials on the rising costs of Oregon's Public Employee Retirement System. It's not the Oregonian's first Pulitzer, but this one is narrower and they can only look at it a few days a week. If you want to read more, you can check out the story on Oregonian's new website, geocities.com/theoregonian.
Cover Oregon hired a "turnaround company" to try and save the flailing health care marketplace. Basically Gordon Ramsay is just going to come in and yell and all the programmers to taste their code before they send it out. The company claims to have a 50% success rate, but that's pretty good considering Cover Oregon has a 0% success rate so far.
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