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Friday, April 25, 2014

Five Stories You May Have Missed This Week

Posted by Alex Falcone on Fri, Apr 25, 2014 at 10:14 AM

Duck: Not To Be Fucked With
  • Flickr: islandgyrl
  • Duck: Not To Be Fucked With
Welcome to another weekly wrap-up of local news stories that slipped through the cracks. As usual (this is only the 2nd in this series, so I'm using "usual" liberally) it's mostly animal and food stories. Let's start with something a little sad.

A rancher killed a GIGANTIC FUCKING BEAR in Klamath Falls. Sadly, they could only carry 100lbs back to the wagons.
The story generated a ton of insane comments both pro- and con-bear killing. My favorite was one that said, "Plenty of room for these bears to roam, but they are lazy and come down the Rim in search of easy food sources." Yeah, he deserved it because he's a lazy bear. GET A JOB, BEARS!

I love animal stories, so here's another: A Washougal woman is suing the owner of a domesticated duck that attacked her. She asked the courts for $275 million, $25k for medical bills and the rest in "pain and suffering" caused by having to admit that "a duck did this to me."
The furious mallard didn't actually do any damage to her, she broke her wrist trying to escape it. At this point, YOU might just be fragile; a rancher took on a 500lb bear and you got taken down by a 5lb duck! Go drink some milk.
The woman insists the duck's owner should have warned neighbors of its "dangerous propensity in attacking individuals." I think she should be required to inform people of her dangerous propensity to overreact and try to break her fall with her wrist.

Baskin Robbins was held up by a guy with a syringe he claimed was "full of AIDS". Why would you rob a Baskin Robbins? You've got a syringe full of diseases (probably not, but still), go big! Go for a Ben & Jerry's or even a Ruby Jewel. Definitely DO NOT hold up a Salt & Straw because you don't have all afternoon.

Frito Lay released a new tortilla chip that's clearly a rip-off of Juanita's. I never like seeing blatant rip-offs or big companies pretending they're small, but it's weird that Juanita's are SO MUCH BETTER than all other chips. If you're a chip maker and you taste Juanita's, how could you go back to making terrible chips? If they've raised everybody's chip game, we all win. Well, except Juanita. She gets screwed. But everybody else wins.

Two chickens named Mary Kate and Ashley were stolen from a North Portland coop. Look, even though I'm drawn to animal stories, it really is a stretch to call this a story. I'm really only including it as a comment on the reporting; the only reason this got any attention at all is the stupid names for the chickens. If they were called Chicken #1 and Chicken #2, even KGW wouldn't have talked about them. If you want people to worry when your stuff gets stolen, hurry up and name it after sad former celebrities. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to ride to a meeting on my bike, Lindsay Lohan.

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