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Monday, April 28, 2014

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Apr 28, 2014 at 9:30 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Step n' move your hips with a feelin' from side to side. Sit yourself down in your car, and take a ride. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Tornadoes blasted through the central and southern states yesterday, wreaking havoc and killing 17.

Hennady Kernes, the mayor of Kharkiv in the Ukraine, was shot in the back today while pro-Russian insurgents continued to take over more government buildings. Meanwhile the US ratchets up the sanctions, but this time they're aimed at businesspeople and firms that will hurt Vladimir Putin specifically, rather than the bulk of the Russian people.

This week, the Supremes will attempt to tackle the thorny modern problem of warrantless searches of our cell phones. (Can someone please explain to Scalia what a cell phone is?)

I know we're supposed to ignore Sarah Palin, but her newest quote is priceless: "If I were in charge," Palin said Saturday during a rally, "[our enemies] would know that waterboarding is how we'd baptize terrorists." Hey Christians! She's one of yours!

Pope Francis yesterday proclaimed that his predecessors, John XXIII and John Paul II, are now saints. (Do a magic trick! Do a magic trick!)

U.S. Rep. Michael Grimm, R-New York—who you might remember as the dick politician who threatened to throw a NY One reporter off the balcony at Obama's State of the Union address—has been been charged with fraud and taken into custody. All together now... HA. HA. HA.

Singer Paul Simon AND his wife Edie Brickell have also been arrested—apparently something to do with a family dispute?

A father is caught on tape kicking his hesitating son down a skateboard ramp... and guess where he's from. Florida, of course!

The Los Angeles Clippers stage a protest before their most recent game against the team's owner—who just so happens to be a horrible racist.

In other racist sports news, a racist threw a banana at soccer player Daniel Alves, who responded in a classy, hilarious way. (So did his teammates!)

In local sports, Trailblazer Hall of Fame coach Jack Ramsay has passed away at the age of 89.

In better Blazer news, our team takes a 3-1 series lead over those bastards, the Houston Rockets. Get all the ecstatic details right here from Blogtown b-ball correspondent Rob Simonsen!

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: A gorgeous, sunny week ahead with eventual highs reaching (WHAT???) 84 degrees by Thursday!

And finally, it's Monday morning... so let's play "Kitten Wack-a-Mole!"


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