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Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, May 7, 2014 at 9:31 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! So umm, let me loosen up my bra strap. And umm, let me boost ya with my raw rap. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Hundreds are killed in an attack on a remote town in Nigeria—probably by the Islamic terrorist network Boko Haram (the same group who kidnapped nearly 300 teenage girls and is threatening to sell them into slavery).

As the Ukraine fights to regain seized government buildings, Vladimir Putin says he's pulled back his Russian troops, and is urging the separatists to postpone their May 11 referendum.

Famed former White House intern (and former Portland resident for awhile) Monica Lewinsky is setting the record straight on her affair with then President Bill Clinton, saying that while he definitely "took advantage" of her, the affair was consensual—and the real abuse happened afterwards when the White House tried to discredit her.

"BENGHAZI! BENGHAZI! BENGHAZI!" (Apparently the Republicans don't know that if you say a word enough times, it stops making sense.)

A creepy IRS employee was arrested after being caught following the Obama kids' motorcade. DON'T YOU EVEN, CREEP!

A 13-year-old Colorado boy is accused of shooting his father twice in the head, and then trying to conceal the body for six days until he was eventually discovered. No motive as of yet... but the mind reels with possibilities.

Soccer fan violence in Brazil hits a new high when an attendee is killed after being hit by a thrown toilet.

The whereabouts of beleaguered Mayor Rob Ford of Toronto is currently... ummm... unknown, after the mayor tried to enter the U.S. but apparently was turned back to Canada. Many think he is either in rehab or drinking sizzurp with Justin Bieber.

Three people are dead in a Florida house fire, and while the home is said to be owned by former tennis player James Blake, he was reportedly out of the state at the time.

As the Mercury told you months ago, the dreamed about Google Fiber plan here in Portland won't serve everybody... but it's nice to know the Oregonian has finally caught on.

In sports, in the first game of the Western Conference semi-finals, the San Antonio Spurs hand the Blazers THEIR ASS racking up a final score of 116-92. But chin up, foul and fair weather fans! As Lillard taught us, there's always time for glory!

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Gorgeous today, but cool and wet tomorrow through Saturday.

And finally, breakdancing monks honor the late Beastie Boys rapper, Adam Yauch. YOU HEARD ME!!

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