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Monday, May 12, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: Man of Mystery

Posted by Dan Savage on Mon, May 12, 2014 at 10:29 AM

My question is about a 28-year-old straight guy I met on OKC. (I'm 25.) I like him a lot, he's smart, an engineer, creative and motivated. We both live in NYC. When he said he liked to have control in the bedroom, I told him I was into D/s. We played with that happily for about a week, but now he won't do it anymore.

What he's doing is really confusing me. Five weeks ago, when we made contact on OKC, I called him on the phone and he suggested we have a "boozy brunch" date in my neighborhood that weekend... which he later called a "fuck date." The day we're supposed to have it, he calls to cancel and says he wants to verify me on Skype before we meet in person. So instead I call him on Skype and talk to him on video chat during what would have been the fuck date. During this conversation he made me feel bad for wanting to go on the fuck date, even though he was the one who suggested it.

Yet he was funny, nice to me (except about the fuck date), thought I was really attractive, and had/probably still has a bottomless appetite for nude selfies of me or video of me masturbating, with which I've enthusiastically provided him via Dropbox. He asked me to shave my pubic hair, and I do.

It's been five weeks now, and I've gone on two IRL dinner dates. He calls on Skype about four times a week too, but since week 3 he's completely shut down the sexual angle; on our last date he wouldn't kiss me on the mouth or hold my hand. I asked him to kiss me and he did, but on the forehead. Two weeks ago we were cybering on Skype every weeknight, but now when I ask he just says we'll have sex eventually, or he's not in the mood right now, or that his last relationship was five years long, and he doesn't want to 'rush into things'. I've asked him if my expectations are unreasonable, and he says no, and that if I gave him more time, we will actually get to first fucking base.

He says I call too much and it's unattractive and that's why no Skype sex or dirty talk. But I row with a crew and work in an OR. I get up at 5am on weekdays, finish work in the afternoons, and I don't want to loiter on the Internet until 10:30pm for a Skype call that's not going to happen. He doesn't even get up till 11am and I think he thinks it's pathetic how I've nothing to do but want to hang out with him in the evenings. He works with a start-up and there are zero boundaries between his job, his social life, and his hobby; all of those things are basically his work. As for me, the longer this goes on the more boundaries he lays down. He's even ended conversations with me on Skype to call his co-workers on Skype well after 8pm, which I feel is unreasonable. I feel like he's punishing me for liking him.

Dan, what's this guy's damage? Why did he suggest going on a casual "fuck date" if he won't kiss me after the second date? My therapist says I should DTMFA, that there's something wrong with a straight man who would turn down a casual fuck date with me. But then why the nude selfies? Why insist I shave myself bare if he doesn't want to interact with my pussy at all? Did I roll out the D/s stuff too soon? Is he doing this to be an asshole? Should I give it another five weeks and see if he comes through? I thought this guy had potential, but this behavior makes me feel rejected and unattractive.

How Long Is Too Long?

My response—my brief response—after the jump.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I agree with your therapist.

Also, HLITL, I couldn't tell you what this guy's damage is. But you and your therapist should be working on getting to the bottom of yours. Why are you still throwing yourself at this game-playing headcase after five weeks of this creepy, manipulative bullshit? You seem to think this guy is a fascinating mystery that you need to solve—why won't he kiss me? why the nude selfies? why did he ask me to shave my pussy?—when what you need to do, Nancy Drew, is block his fucking number, delete his bullshit messages, and go find someone else to fuck and Skype and shave and sext with and for.

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