This Week in the Mercury

Everything as Fuck

Columns

Everything as Fuck

Blazers and Bunk


Soft-Serve Wreckage

Film

Soft-Serve Wreckage

Gregg Araki's Latest Is a Tepid WTF



Tuesday, May 13, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: No Spank You

Posted by Dan Savage on Tue, May 13, 2014 at 10:29 AM

After all these years of being a reader, I never imagined I would be writing you but here goes...

My husband and I are a straight couple in our 40s and we recently celebrated 7 years of marriage. This is a 2nd marriage for both of us. While my first marriage was a horror show, my current marriage is a relatively happy one and we have a fairly enjoyable sex life.

I very much would enjoy it if my husband would spank me on occasion. While he's tried, he can't bring himself to do more then an occasional tap on my ass. One tap and he's done. This doesn't do it for me.

The problem is that both of us grew up in horrifically abusive households—I was taken away from my parent by children's services as a teen, and my husband grew up with a rageaholic bipolar parent who didn't start lithium until my husband was in college. We both have childhoods filled with beatings and neglect. My husband is terrified to keep from turning into his parent and has been in a variety of therapy over the years to deal with his PTSD, learning anger management, and parenting skills. I think he's an amazing person and don't think he could hurt a fly. We've talked about this, how much spanking turns me on, and he just says he can't mentally go there.

Any suggestions on how to get him to change his mind or reframe this? I'm not asking him to make me black and blue, just an occasional few hard slaps with a bare hand is enough. I can't/won't consider going outside my marriage to fulfill this desire, so either I need to convince him, or just give up trying.

Much thanks for all your years of common sense wisdom,

Seeking Paternal Advice, Naughty Kid Making Entreaties

My response after the jump...

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Considering your husband's highly traumatic childhood experiences—and the PTSD he continues to struggle with as an adult—going without spankings may be the price of admission you have to pay to be with this amazing person. If he can't do it, and you're not willing or able to go outside your marriage for it, you'll have to reconcile yourself to going without.

As for help on the reframing front...

I assume you've already told him that you don't want him to make you black and blue, SPANKING, and that all you're looking for is a few hard slaps. My only additional suggestion would be to find some spanking porn that shows the particular kind of spanking you find arousing and features couples who are clearly into each other and show both enjoying the activity—no spanking scenes featuring "authority figures" (no one pretending to be an angry dad or teacher), no scenes that end in real or pretend tears. If he sees that spanking can be goofy fun for both participants, he may come around.

Or he may not. Again, SPANKING, going without may be the price of admission.

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Comments are closed.

All contents © Index Newspapers, LLC

115 SW Ash St. Suite 600
Portland, OR 97204

Contact Info | Privacy Policy | Production Guidelines | Terms of Use | Takedown Policy