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Monday, June 2, 2014

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Jun 2, 2014 at 9:31 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! We gotta give 'em what they want. (What's that, G?) We gotta break 'em off somethin'. (Hell yeah.) And it's gotta be bumpin'. (City of Compton!) LET'S GO TO PRESS.

A prisoner swap with the Taliban got us back an American soldier who'd been held captive for five years (that's good!). But some Republicans (who, as you remember, hate America), think it was a bad deal.

Oh, and now, fellow soldiers of the freed American prisoner are shit-talking him as well... calling him a deserter and a traitor.

Obama signs off on a rule that would make polluters reduce carbon dioxide emissions by 15 percent (that's good!). But some Republicans (who, as you remember, hate America... and the world), are fighting him and prefer global warming.

Several thousand people turned out for Cyprus' first-ever gay pride parade on Saturday—and it looks like they had a lot of fun!

The FBI is holding a nationwide manhunt for a San Francisco social media manager who may be armed with guns and explosives. (I told you people that Facebook would cause us nothing but trouble!!)

The beloved Elizabeth Warren is dropping hints of a possible run for the presidency. Yes, please, I like situations that are interesting!

Apple is taking the stage today at WWDC to announce their latest iGadgets that you'll spend your iPaycheck on.

Justin Bieber told a very racist joke when he was younger, the video was released, and he spent the entire weekend apologizing. You know... THE YOUZH.

Brady Bunch star Ann B. Davis (Alice the housekeeper) died over the weekend at the ripe age of 88.

In news that will not make some of you happy, a new Portland State study reveals that protected bike lanes actually increase safety and quality of life. You may now fume and sputter incoherently.

The Timbers fall to the Whitecaps in yesterday's game which included a very crazy final 20 minutes. Check out all the deets from Blogtown footy correspondent Brian Gjurgevich's hot live blog action.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Get out of the way, stupid morning clouds! You're ruining what will be a perfectly sunny week!

And finally... wait. Jaden Smith wore a white Batman suit to Kanye and Kim's wedding? JADEN SMITH WORE A WHITE BATMAN SUIT TO KANYE AND KIM'S WEDDING!!

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