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Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Jun 11, 2014 at 9:32 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! All the songs on you requested, you're dancing like you're naked. Oh, it's almost like we're sexing (oh yeah). LET'S GO TO PRESS.

In case you somehow missed it, yesterday a shooter entered Reynolds High School in Troutdale with a rifle, and shot and killed 14-year-old freshman Emilio Hoffman. Teacher Todd Rispler was grazed by a bullet, and the shooter committed suicide. A press conference that promises further details will be held at 11 am. Stay tuned to Blogtown the latest updates.

And if you missed it, this is the 74th school shooting since the tragedy at Newtown. CNN asks, "Will anything change?" If gun enthusiasts don't care after 74 shootings, why should they ever care?

And in case you missed this, Senior Republican Eric Cantor—who was a real douche—lost his US House seat to a practically unknown and untested Tea Party member... which is simultaneously hilarious and frightening.

Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel stepped up to defend the Bergdahl prisoner exchange, telling lawmakers it was their "last, best chance" to free an American hostage. On cue, Congress cries like babies, because they hate America and the people who serve in the military.

In further Republican idiocy, the Texas GOP has adopted "reparative therapy" (the highly ridiculed practice of trying to change homosexuals into heterosexuals) into their platform... because they are really obsessed with things gay people do.

Probable presidential nominee Hillary Clinton confessed to being "dead broke" after her husband left office, due to huge legal bills from the Lewinsky and Whitewater scandals. (His fault!)

As marriage rights continue to hurtle toward the Supreme Court, America's biggest law firms are lining up to get involved... but only to defend same-sex marriage.

An international organization that tracks human migration is saying that 500,000 people have fled Iraq's second-largest city, Mosul, after radical militant attacks.

First they came for the books, locking out small publishers, and now? Amazon is going after The Lego Movie. (That should make you speak up.)

Oh, and a black bear was wandering around North Portland this morning, you know, chilling. That's how they do.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Sunny and 80 today! (Though showers return late tomorrow.)

And finally... THE RUNNING OF THE GOATS!

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