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Wednesday, June 25, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: Dominance/Coincidence

Posted by Dan Savage on Wed, Jun 25, 2014 at 10:29 AM

I'm a 33-year-old woman and got divorced a few months ago. I think of myself as open and communicative and GGG. In my marriage we explored some dom/sub play and fetishes, but always within the context of the committed relationship. When I started dating again, I was surprised when the first two men I dated told me they were "dominant" on the first date.

In both cases, as things progressed, it seemed to me that they were both really only interested in sex—the kind where they called all the shots and it was difficult for me to get comfortable enough to orgasm. Though both of these men seemed like great people out of bed (funny, well rounded, interesting to talk to), I couldn't handle how emotionally disconnected the sex was. And I was surprised by the similarities in their behavior once things got physical—lots of abrupt position changes and them telling me what to do.

I've been hesitant to date anyone else since these experiences. I feel like both of them exhibited really bad sex etiquette, but I had a hard time knowing what to do in response to get what I needed. Going forward, do you have any advice on how to screen out the sexually selfish before things get physical? And is there some new hipster dominance craze going around, or am I out of touch?

Neither One Noticed She's Underwhelmed Basically

My response after the jump...

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I think you're reading way too much into what sounds like a coincidence, NONSUB. If the first two guys you slept with after your divorce both happened to be guys with perfect teeth who were lousy in bed, you wouldn't have written to me about a "craze" for orthodontia and bad sex—and you wouldn't afraid to get out there and date, for fear of running into more guys with pretty teeth and shitty moves. You would've thought, "Well, that was a weird coincidence," and then logged back on OKCupid or Match.com or Actors Mingle or whatever.

But in answer to your question: No, I don't think D/s play is a hipster craze. But I do know that people who into D/s are more likely to put it out there these days. And that kind of openness is a good because that kind of directness not only makes it easier for Doms to find subs and vice-versa, it also spares people who aren't into D/s play from wasting their time on people who are.

So, NONSUB, here's what you say the next time a guy says he's a "dominant" on your first date: "Really? That's too bad, you dear boy! Because while I can get into some kink, I'm definitely not a sub. Check, please!"

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