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Monday, June 30, 2014

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Jun 30, 2014 at 9:29 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! But everybody's got to move and everybody's got to groove. Everybody needs love, sure enough. Everybody ought to live it up. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

UGH. The Supremes are on a bad roll, first allowing anti-choice protesters to harass women outside of abortion clinics, and now allowing Christian companies (like Hobby Lobby) to opt out of paying for employee birth control under the new health care law.

A militant group has declared that their captured territory in Syria and Iraq is now a new Islamic state and they're claiming control over the world's Muslims. Oh, and they're also warning us not to laugh at them, even though it's hilarious.

A US Marine who deserted his post in Iraq ten years ago has resurfaced, and has been brought home to await trial, and he's all like, "Hey, I'm just like that Bergdahl fella!" and everybody else is like, "Umm... we don't think so."

First Russia sells planes to the Iraq government, now they're sending military advisors. What's next? Maria Sharipova? (That's the only Russian I could think of off the top of my head.)

Oh! There's also Yakov Smirnoff. (Too old of a joke?)

Dozens of people were stuck on a ride at SeaWorld in San Diego for hours yesterday following a power outage—that may or may not have been caused by a certain (ahem) vengeful mammal employee.

A United flight from Chicago has to make an emergency landing after its evacuation slide accidentally inflates inside the cabin during the flight. HEY! Quit your horsing around up there!

Beleaguered American Apparel exec Dov Charney is fighting back after being ousted from his own company, though the current board has a plan of their own (which I trust involves topless women in various yoga poses).

Actor Meshach Taylor—the one dude in the classic TV sitcom Designing Women—has passed away after a long battle with cancer. He was 67.

Portland oil protesters were kicking it old school this morning, when police were called out to Northwest Portland to retrieve a woman who had strapped herself to a cement-filled oil barrel on the railroad tracks. But it gets better: Somehow the woman had cemented her own arm into the barrel as well. NOW you've got our attention!

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Sunny, hot and 86 today... then SUPER sunny, hot and 95 tomorrow!

And finally, life imitates art.

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