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Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Jul 9, 2014 at 9:31 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Baby girl. I'm the man from the big VA. Won't you come play round my way? And listen to what I gotta say. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Israeli airstrikes continue to bombard Gaza, trading rocket blasts with the Palestinians—38 are assumed dead so far in the latest bombings.

Speaking of missiles, North Korea impotently squirts two more short range rockets into the sea—which seems to be the only target they're capable of hitting.

Iraq claims that the extremist group Islamist State has captured one of their former chemical weapons facilities that hadn't been quite cleared out yet. (But it's assumed there are plenty of rockets filled with nerve agent sarin still in there. YIPES.)

The Nigerian council announced, "Good news! We know where those kidnapped teenage girls are! Unfortunately we can't get them right now, and there's a good chance that this announcement will cause the terrorists to move them again whoops."

Former New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin has been sentenced to 10 years in prison for taking hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of bribes from local businessmen looking to curry favor from his administration.

Sarah Palin calls for President Obama's impeachment—despite the fact no one's returned her calls for years now.

A grandfather in Virginia shoots his son, and in response the 11-year-old grandson shoots the grandfather. GUNS MAKE SAFER FAMILIES.

In case you missed it, Brazil had their asses handed to them in spectacular fashion at the World Cup by the Germans who haven't rolled over a country like this since Poland.

The first legal recreational pot store in Vancouver, WA opens today, and... GEEZ YOU POTHEADS! Don't all rush there at once!!

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Temps are going to continue creeping upward this week until we hit a high of 90 on Sunday!

And finally, here's the "80s"-est commercial that's ever been "80s."

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