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Monday, July 28, 2014

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Jul 28, 2014 at 9:29 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! It starts out easy, something simple, something sleazy, something inching past the edge of the reserve. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

For the crime of "raising military tensions", a high-ranking North Korea military official has threatened to nuke the White House. HAAHAAAHAAAAAAAAAA!! STOP! YOU'RE KILLING ME!!

Two Americans in Liberia have tested positive for the Ebola virus (remember that?) while trying to help the people there control an outbreak.

Sarah Palin has launched her online subscription network, so now you have the privilege of paying $9.95 per month to blow the brain out of your head.

The number of rockets fired by Israel at the Gaza Strip noticeably declined today as the United States continues to advise them to build a lasting cease fire. (For those keeping score, more than 1,000 people have been killed.)

Whoops! Spoke too soon: Palestinian officials claim that the latest Israeli airstrike has hit their main hospital compound, causing an unknown number of casualties.

Meanwhile... you crazy for this one, Boko Haram! The Nigerian terrorist organization known for kidnapping 200 teenage girls has now allegedly kidnapped the wife of Cameroon's Vice Prime Minister. (!!!)

While Russia continues to deny shooting rockets into the Ukraine, the US says, "Well, then how do you explain these satellite images of you shooting rockets into the Ukraine? BOOM. Burn."

A group of women at San Diego's Comic-Con attempt to make the annual convention create an anti-sexual harassment policy.

Locally, four Ethiopian track stars disappear from a competition in Eugene... perhaps to seek asylum?

Did you go to The Big Float yesterday? As usual it was SUPER FUN! (A special tip o' the hat to river barge performers Ural Thomas and the Pain who absolutely crushed it!)

Now here's what's happening in your neck of the woods: Speaking of good swimmin' weather... it's gonna be HOT this week, with temps in the low 90s today and tomorrow.

And finally, here's a guy doing the Tour de France... oh, you know... LIKE A BOSS.


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