GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! I'm at the wrong end of your looking glass, just trying to hold on to the hands of the past. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

According to the World Health Organization, the Ebola death toll has risen to 932 in four West African nations.

Okay, this sounds embarrassing: Spanish police catches one of Spain's naval vessels running cocaine from Colombia to New York. (Dibs on the movie rights!)

Is Russia preparing to invade Ukraine? According to NATO, the country has 20,000 combat-ready troops at the border—who might be pretending they're on a "peace keeping" mission. Uh-huh. Right.

And not only that, there's this: "Russian criminals steal 1.2 billion passwords." Russians need to chill the fuck out.

Uggh. A Republican congressman from Alabama, Rep. Mo Brooks, claims that Democrats and Obama have declared "a war on whites." OH, POOR WHITES! OH, POOR WHITE MO BROOKS!

An Afghan soldier opens fire at a British military academy killing a U.S. general and wounding 15 others.

Another one bites the dust: A South Florida judge strikes down the state's same-sex marriage ban.

Move over, Edward Snowden—there's a new government secrets leaker in town!

European scientists have successfully put a spacecraft in a comet's orbit. Three cheers for SCIENCE!

Unless you're a soccer fanatic, avoid Providence Park today at all costs—because here comes the 2014 MLS All-Star Game.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Partly cloudy and cooler today with a high of only 79—but expect it to HOT back up again for the weekend!

And finally, there's only one way to stop this crying baby's tears—Katy Perry's "Dark Horse." (Because that's her JAM!)