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Friday, August 8, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: Unknowable Unknowns

Posted by Dan Savage on Fri, Aug 8, 2014 at 10:29 AM

So here's the deal: I was blackout drunk one Saturday recently, and woke up on my friend's floor, fully clothed, except my pants were unbuttoned. That's something I didn't consider a relevant detail for a couple days. The next day, when the friend came over, he was surprised to find me puking my guts out, because he said I "seemed fine last night." Again, not that weird, except as far as I knew, I'd passed out in his room and I figured he would have taken that as proof that I was absolutely wasted. My butt also kind of hurt, but I thought this detail might be hangover related until some tiny little red spots appeared on a wipe. I got to thinking....

I'm a more-or-less-secretly bisexual dude, and I've suspected he is too, so it seems sort of possible we had anal sex. This wouldn't be that big of a problem, since it's something I would be into—with lube, of course, which in this instance doesn't seem to have been present—except that I have no memory of it whatsoever, and I think the friend has guessed that. So he's unlikely to bring it up. Which means that my only method of finding out is asking him. Should I? I don't really have any intention of repeating that experience with this guy, since we're good friends and I'd prefer to explore with people who don't know anyone I know. I don't exactly care, except I'll always wonder if it's going to be this big awkward thing forever, but I really don't want to ask because I don't want to have made it up. I really wouldn't be surprised if I just assumed I was gutsy and he was game, since I have no real confirmation he'd ever want to do that, and then I'll have awkwardly admitted I'd be interested in men fucking me in the ass.

How do I solve this problem without ruining one of my few friendships? What if I made it up? What if he doesn't remember either? What if he does and isn't telling me because he thinks I'll think it was rape? I'd really like to stress that I wouldn't consider it that, because I would have been all about it. Help, Dan!

Answers Sincerely Sought From Understanding Cocksucking Kolumnist

My response after the jump...

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First, ASSFUCK, a link for you: Amanda Marcotte writing today at the Daily Beast about the need for bisexuals to be out. You're welcome.

On to your questions...

There's no way to ask your friend if he fucked you in the ass when you were blackout drunk—while emphasizing that you wouldn't mind if he had (in hopes of getting the truth from him and, of course, because you wouldn't mind if he had)—without outing yourself as secretly bisexual, interested in being fucked in the ass by men generally, and up for being fucked in the ass by him specifically. And even if he denied it, ASSFUCK, his denial could be a lie. He might not want to come out to you even after you came out to him; he might think that you were lying when you told him you wouldn't mind. So outing yourself to your friend is no guarantee that you'll get to the bottom of this.

What's more, ASSFUCK, the facts—as you present them—don't constitute an open-and-shut case for drunken ass-fucking/raping. Waking up on his floor with your pants unbuttoned? Maybe you opened your pants to scratch your balls before you passed out; maybe you took a piss before passing out and neglected to button your pants back up. Butt hurt? Maybe you fell on it when you were drunk; maybe it was the lingering aftereffect of that big morning-after-boozing-it-up shit you took the next day. A few red spots on the toilet paper? People who haven't been fucked in the ass sometimes leave a few red spots on the toilet paper; drinking alcohol causes dehydration, and a dehydrated butthole is an easily irritated butthole, i.e., one that is more likely to leave a few red spots on the toilet paper.

It seems to me that what you've got here are three minor pieces of circumstantial evidence that you're viewing through the prism of your own desire to be fucked in the ass. Because really, ASSFUCK, what seems likelier: that your straight-identified friend seized the opportunity to fuck you in your straight-identified ass, or that your longing to be fucked in the ass has lead you to misinterpret events, pants, and toilet paper?

Finally, ASSFUCK, drink less.

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