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Wednesday, August 20, 2014

It's Erik Henriksen's Worst. Night. Ever!

Posted by Dirk VanderHart on Wed, Aug 20, 2014 at 2:04 PM

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Welcome back to the Blogtown series we like to call "Worst. Night. Ever." Every Wednesday when we're discussing our event picks for the week, someone suggests an event that's the equivalent of throwing acid in our eyes—but we also realize a more enlightened person might love it! Hence, these "risky" events are often unfairly pushed aside. WELL, NO MORE. Instead of allowing these potentially worthy events to vanish forever, we're asking you—yes, YOU—the Blogtown readers to decide which of these events one of us should attend... whether we like it or not!

Every week an editorial staff member will be presented with three events that do not match their personality or interests... like, AT ALL. And here's the fun part: YOU will vote on and pick the event that must be attended by our unlucky staffer. Afterward he or she will review it right here on the blog! NOTE: Everyone's taste is different, right? So while an underwater hula-hoop dance-off might send Erik into stabby fits, Steve might be willing show up to it in a gold lamé onesie! That's why you might find a perfectly pleasant event or two in the list below. Also, competitors must stay for at least two hours (or until the event is over, whichever comes first) and are not allowed to get drunk or use any substances (drugs) or distractions (phone/reading material) to dull the pain they may experience. Now, let's see who's up:

SENIOR EDITOR ERIK HENRIKSEN'S WORST. NIGHT. EVER!

Erik's a man of many proud contradictions. He's got a seemingly boundless tolerance for the most-sloppy movies—there's a framed poster for Michael Mann's Miami Vice above his damned desk—yet fails to see the charms of a lovingly sloppy vehicle. His Subaru's leather interior is almost militantly pristine, and one can feel him bristling if, say, one just wants to get comfortable by putting their feet up on the dash on the way to a film screening in Tigard. Get over yourself, Erik. Another example: Loves otters for their childlike playfulness, doesn't like children (but likes when children are maimed by otters).

It is actually very, very easy to put him out (though our seemingly airtight scheme of forcing him onto a Mormon love boat last year mainly resulted in a lot of thoughtful reflection) so we're feeling confident what we've concocted this year will do the trick. Your options:

• Erik must attend the Crossroads Doll and Teddy Bear Show, where he'll have to belittle five dolls and/or teddy bears to their owners before offering to purchase them for exactly $1. Crossroads, colloquially known as "the doll show," is already going to be creepy, but we think it would be amusing if Erik assumed the air of an avid doll enthusiast, perusing the booths for hidden treasures and criticizing wares in order to get a bargain price. For this Worst. Night., he'll need to critique some aspect of a doll or Teddy's condition (say, commenting on its sloppy bisque restoration or suggesting it's got a "harlot's sneer") then, immediately afterward, pull out his wallet and offer to purchase it for a dollar. Five times. I love the thought of this very much, but it comes with a risk: Erik says he'll refuse to "be mean to sad people." I explained he doesn't have to be "mean" to anyone, and that probably the people at the doll show have very full and engaging lives. Erik just has to try to give them the hard sell.

• Erik must attend the sing-along version of Frozen at Laurelhurst Park on Friday, and join hundreds of children in full-throated song. This gets back to what I was saying up top. Sure, Erik loves terrible movies, but he's got varying takes on delightful ones. Plus he lacks the capacity to feel—probably like Frozen's antagonist, if it has one—and he despises any music that's not the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. And do you know what he said to me the other day about children? "They are like procompsognathus—they are fine unless they are in groups." I wish I were making that up. To successfully complete this Worst. Night., Erik has to make a game attempt at signing along. Pretty awful.

No mimosas allowed, for Erik.
  • Cody Augustine Photography (via Facebook)
  • No mimosas allowed (for Erik).
• Erik must attend Circus Church: A Sunday Brunch Variety Show down at the Analog Cafe. Originally, we wanted to send Erik to another event at the Analog—the 2014 Dark Alice in Wonderland Ball—but someone messed up and it was last weekend. So instead we're doing Circus Church, which we assume includes some of the same awkward nudity and dark posturing, and throws in people dressed like clowns. From Erik: "It sure as fuck isn't how i want to spend a Sunday morning, if that's what you're asking."

Now vote, damn you. Polls close at 10:30 am Thursday.

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