This Week in the Mercury

Up & Coming

Music

Up & Coming

This Week's Music Previews


Sold Out

Columns

Sold Out

Fade to Light



Thursday, August 21, 2014

SL Letters of the Day: Who Am I Cuckolding Here?

Posted by Dan Savage on Thu, Aug 21, 2014 at 10:29 AM

I have been in a super vanilla relationship for five years. I was about to leave—for too many reasons to go into—when my partner suddenly announced that he has a cuckold fetish and now wants me to go out and bang other guys and then come home and tell him everything. This is all good however he wants it to be with random men and I'm not so comfortable with that. I have a friend or two I am good with but he has made it clear that they are not to be included. Now what? Do I bang people I am comfortable with and lie to him about it or do I tell him the price of admission is someone I feel safe with? Help!

Confused Cuckolder

My response to CC—and her response to mine, and mine to hers—after the jump...

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Why are you staying with this guy? Was the freedom to fuck other people (in theory) enough to make you reconsider dumping him? Is the prospect of being with a cuckold so alluring that you're planning to stay with this guy for that reason alone? Or does the freedom to fuck other people somehow solve the problem that had you about to leave, i.e. this guy is lousy in bed? More info please.—Dan

Oddly the sex has been decent since I started coming home with stories—as has his attitude towards me. This all went down over the last three weeks. Prior to that he had been distant, angry, critical, and accusatory about me being with other men. I had been staying with him for financial reasons, and out of the fear of being a single mother, before deciding to suck it up and dump him. Then came the big reveal. I had recently told him how much I had come to dislike him and how bothered I was by the disrespectful way he treated me. He claims to have been awoken by this and changed from Mr. Complete Dick to Mr. Nice Guy overnight. I am wary of his change in personality. It also came at the same time his ex-wife returned to town after five years but perhaps that's irrelevant. He claimed he wanted to win me back and then this cuckolding thing came out. So is he sincere or a psychopath?—CC

Wait a minute: You have yet to work out an agreement about the other guys you can fuck but you're already "coming home with stories" about the other guys you're fucking? So you're asking for my advice about who to negotiate an agreement about fucking other guys when you're already fucking other guys?

Setting that aside...

In answer to your first question—the question in your first email—I think you should tell him that you're only going to fuck guys that you feel comfortable fucking. If those terms don't work for him, well, then he doesn't get to be a cuckold when he grows up. It might help if you acknowledge that his comfort levels are also important and that your fucking guys you know and trust may seem emotionally riskier. (What if you were to develop feelings for one of these guys? What if one of these guys is a gossip and other people find out he's a cuckold?) But your comfort levels trump his because fucking randoms—fucking strangers—places you at greater risk of physical and sexual violence. That's unacceptable. So you'll be fucking guys you know, like, and trust, or you won't be fucking anyone else at all. (For the record: women are frequently assaulted by guys they know, like, and trust, CC, so going only with guys you know, like, and trust doesn't eliminate all risk.)
And in answer to your second question—the question in your second email—I don't think you should overestimate my intuitive powers. Is this guy sincere or is he psychotic? No fucking clue. Is Mr. Complete Dick gone forever and Mr. Nice Guy here to stay? No fucking idea. But like you, CC, I am generally skeptical about radical changes in personality. So I very much doubt that a distant, angry, and critical jerk can transform himself overnight into a loving, considerate, and constructive life partner. But seeing as you put up with Mr. Complete Dick for such a long time, CC, I don't see why you shouldn't stick around to enjoy Mr. Nice Guy for as long as he lasts.—Dan

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Comments are closed.

All contents © Index Newspapers, LLC

115 SW Ash St. Suite 600
Portland, OR 97204

Contact Info | Privacy Policy | Production Guidelines | Terms of Use | Takedown Policy