I need your advice. My boyfriend and I are planning to get married. Our families are very happy about the decision and think we're good for each other. (We are!) The problem? My older sister found our OKC profiles—we have a healthy, happy, non-monogamous relationship—and she insists that our parents have a "right" to know what we are up to since they are paying for part of our wedding. Since marriage carries an expectation of monogamy, my sis says, we are getting married under false pretenses and basically lying to our parents. And that she's just trying to prevent our parents from getting hurt when they accidentally find out later. I have tried explaining why non-monogamy works for us, why it's none of our parents' business, and why it is, especially, none of her business—but she says that she won't "be a party" to hurting our mom. So it seems she's threatening to tell our parents. This wouldn't be the end of the world—they're more open-minded than most—but it's still none of their goddamn business. If do tell them, it should be because I've decided I want to, not because my drama queen sister is pressuring me! Please help!

Pissed At Sis

My response after the jump...

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"There are things a mother has a right not to know." — Judy Savage

When my mom said that to her kids—or maybe that's something she said only to me (I'll have to check with my sibs)—she didn't mean that the four of us couldn't come to her with a problem if the problem involved sexual, pharmacological, or political choices she might disapprove of. But if there was no good reason for her to know about a particular something going on in our lives and if knowing about that particular something would only serve to burden her with unnecessary angst (or unpleasant and unnecessary mental images) then she would rather not know about it. Those details we should share with each other, if we wished, or (more appropriately) with our friends, partners, lovers, and (in my case) readers.

The fact that you and your husband-to-be aren't monogamous falls squarely into the things-a-mother-has-a-right-not-to-know column. (At least for now.*) And I agree with you: If you were to tell your parents about this aspect of your sex life, PAS, ideally it should be because you wanted to tell them, not because your insufferable sister was threatening to out you to mom and dad as a sex pervert. (Is she hoping her stock will rise at will-drawing-up time?) But your sister has made it clear that she's going to tell your parents if you don't, PAS, and it would be better if they heard it from you. But there's one thing you should make clear to them in addition to the whole non-monogamy thing (clearer!): exactly why they're hearing this from you.

I went to the trouble of writing you some dialogue monologue, PAS:

"Mom, dad—there's something I have to tell you. It's not something you need to know. It's probably something you would prefer not to know. And it's not something I particularly wanted to share with you because, again, it's really not something you need to know. But my sister found out about it and she's threatening to tell you if I don't and I would rather you hear it from me. It involves details about my sex life with my fiancé. We're not monogamous. I'm happy, he's happy, we're being safe, and we're totally in love. There's literally no problem here—other than the one my sister has created. I can tell you more, if you want to hear more, and I'm happy to answer any questions you might have, if you have any."

If your parents are sane and sensible people, PAS, the only question on their minds will be, "What the fuck is wrong with our other daughter?"

And, hey, who knows? Maybe your parents are swingers, PAS, and they'll have a disclosure of their own to make. You could walk away from that conversation knowing something about your parents that a daughter has a right not to know.

Good luck!

* Not true for all non-monogamous folks, of course; people in committed poly relationships, for example, may feel that coming out to mom and dad is absolutely necessary. The occasional threesome may not be something your mom needs to know about; the fact that you're in a stable, committed relationship with a third partner is probably something your mom needs to know about—for your third's sake, as it would be unfair to stuff that person in the closet when mom came around.