I am madly in love with my boyfriend. We have been together two really amazing years (so far!) but the only problem is.... the sex lacks spark, passion and orgasms (for me). When I met him I wasn't a virgin but he was. I've tried so hard to "train" him in order to not only get myself off but to make sex better for him too. My sex record is up to fifteen but I'm still his first, and even though I try so hard to tell him what to do without hurting his feelings he just doesn't listen and I still can't orgasm. The only times I can orgasm, and I mean really fantastically, mouth dropping, heart pounding orgasm is when I'm with someone besides him.

I've been honest and open and I confessed to him that I'd slept with someone else and he told me to stop, he told me he'd change and become a better sexual partner, but things HAVE NOT changed. I'm still faking it, and he doesn't even notice. I don't want to hurt his feelings because I love him so deeply but I'd have an easier time getting off to the fucking Teletubbies.

WHAT DO I DO? I'm horny all the time and he can't please me sexually.

Orgasmless Sex Fiend

My response after the jump...

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Sometimes the best answer to one reader's question is another reader's question...

I'm a long-time reader, but unfortunately didn't have the balls to ask your advice earlier, and now I'm in a shit-pile of emotions and indecision. I'll try to keep this short, I'm sorry if it's boring and whiny.

I'm a 33-year-old straight female, married to a loving man. We've been together for ten years, married for a little over six. We didn't really have much sex before we got married so I didn't discover we weren't sexually compatible until afterwards. He was a virgin when we started dating. I was and am the only girl he's ever kissed. This would be fine, but he hardly ever initiates sex (though I think he enjoys having sex). He just never initiates. I think he's initiated less than five times in the ten years we've been together. And more importantly: he's extremely vanilla, has no kinks and no moves (I thought the sex would get better with practice, but it's been three years and it's still boring). I am a total pervert, I want to try everything, and I love being dominated. He isn't into it and doesn't know how to be.

I wanted to get your advice on what to do shortly after getting married but I didn't. Then things got worse when my coworker started making moves on me. We ended up having sex. It was phenomenal, exactly what I'd been fantasizing about for years. I felt horrible for being a CPOS but at the same time, I was getting to have the kind of sex I'd always wanted. This happened over a year and a half ago. What started as a crush and casual sex has now become a full-blown affair. The coworker and I spend a lot of time together, he's become my closest friend, I care about him deeply, and says he cares about me too.
It's super fucked up, and I've been very upset throughout the affair, partly out of guilt for cheating, partly for being terrible to my husband, and partly because the coworker didn't treat me very well for the first half of the affair. I've been seeing a therapist to deal with my feelings, but things have settled into a sort of quasi-calm arrangement for the last nine months: the husband knows I've been cheating (though I've never told him the nitty gritty details, because he doesn't want to know), but doesn't seem to want to fix our sex dynamic. He'd rather have me in his life and tolerate my cheating than improve our sex life. Meanwhile the coworker wants me to leave my husband and move with him to New York.

I don't know what to do. I love my husband, and we've been together for most of my adult life. I said vows and made commitments to him. Our families and lives are intertwined. All our friends know us as a couple. My parents adore him. He's so good at being a reliable husband and partner. It's just that the sex is terrible and he treats me like his maid, secretary and mother (which also puts a big damper on my desire and attraction to him). On the one hand, I love him but I'm worried that if I choose to stay with him I'll eventually become so resentful I'll want a divorce anyway, except then we'll probably have had kids. On the other hand, I think I'm in love with my coworker too. When I'm with him, it's exciting and passionate, I have a different sort of life with him. I know that it could just be "the grass is greener" because we don't have to deal with real life problems like finances and chores. But I find that even the way the coworker and I even interact is different, e.g. when we argue, we have a discussion and actually fix what's wrong, whereas my husband just stonewalls and ignores problems. Being with the coworker makes me strive to be a better version of myself, and I could see myself being happy with him... except he's a cheater himself and a commitmentphobe. I don't think my family or friends would like him at all.

Everything would be fine if I could keep doing what I've been doing for the past nine months: having my husband AND my coworker as my extra boyfriend, except the coworker is moving to NYC (hence him wanting me to divorce my husband and move with him). Do you think my marriage is doomed? Should I just end things now before I wake up middle-aged and depressed and resentful? Or is the coworker just a dream/fantasy that would never work out? I honestly don't know how to get out of this mess I've made for myself.

Sincerely,

Made My Own Very Messy Bed

Both of these letters, which could've been written by the same person eight years apart, came in the mail today. Okay, now for some advice...

Orgasmless Sex Fiend: You've been with your boyfriend long enough to establish that, much as you love him, you're not sexually compatible. Maybe he's objectively lousy in bed, maybe you two just don't click sexually—regardless of which it is, OSF, the time to get out is now. Yes, yes: You don't want to hurt him. But the hurt he'll experience when he learns that you've cheated on him again (which you eventually will) and the hurt and embarrassment you'll both experience when you finally divorce (if you're foolish enough to marry him) will be so much greater than the hurt of a painful-but-run-of-the-mill breakup at two years. Sex is important, and sexual compatibility is particularly important in monogamous relationships. And since your boyfriend insists on monogamy, there's no way to make this one work. If you don't end it now, OSF, in five or ten years, you'll be sending a letter just like the one Made My Own Very Messy Bed sent me today.

Made My Own Very Messy Bed: I really don't know what to tell you to do. You could divorce your lousy-in-bed husband and run off to NYC with your great-in-bed boyfriend, and it could all come to shit in the end and you'll forever regret leaving a loving husband for that cheating commitmentphobe. Or you could stay with your lousy-in-bed husband—a choice that he's certainly made easier by signing off on you taking lovers—and it could all come to shit in the end and you'll forever regret not running off to NYC with your great-in-bed boyfriend. There are risks either way, MMOVMB, and no guarantees.

But if I were in your shoes... I would pick good sex/good communicator over the bad sex/treats me like maid, secretary, mother.

Your family members don't have to cut your husband out of their lives if you opt for divorce, MMOVMB; tell your parents they can continue to adore him. Your friends can get to know you as individuals. And I trust you're joking when you say you hesitate to run off with your lover because "he's a cheater." You cheated too, MMOVMB, right? Sometimes cheating brings two people together who should be together. And if he does ever cheat on you, or if you ever cheat on him, you'll either work through it (that gets my vote) or you'll break up over it (breakups over affairs aren't compulsory—ask your husband).

Good luck.