I'm a longtime reader, and I need a gut check. I'm a straight gal in my mid-40's, in an open 20-year marriage that's been open for nearly a decade. The sexual aspect of my marriage is just not there these days, but we are very compatible as friends and co-parents and life mates, so, whatever, this works for us. My problem is with my Other Guy. We met online about 8 years ago, and clicked strongly, immediately. The sex has been consistently fantastic. He's also a successful professional in my field, and has been a valuable source of career advice. I knew he was/is unfaithful to his wife (he's deceiving her, unlike me), and soon after we met I learned (from him) that he was also cheating on his then-steady extramarital relationship with me. After several months, he broke off with the other other woman, and eventually, we found ourselves in a (I know this sounds odd) monogamous extramarital relationship. It has been a very good connection for both of us for a long time.
Last month, my hubby mentioned casually that he'd spotted my boyfriend on a kink forum, looking for a specific type of partner that I happen to know (but hubby does not) Other Guy has been curious about for a long time. I was devastated! I confronted Other Guy, and got massive, groveling apologies, and assurances that had his feeler gotten any hits (this type of partner is not that common and can afford to be very choosy) he would have told me; he described his ad as no more "real" a betrayal than perusing porn, more of a message in a bottle than a serious effort to find a playmate. He deleted his account on the kink forum immediately, and said it meant nothing to him compared to keeping me in his life. The sad part is that I'm really pretty GGG: as my Other Guy knows, if he found such a person and told me, I would have been ok with it, either fooling around all three together, or else sending him off to explore. I feel I can hardly ask for monogamy from him, but I do want honesty.
I don't know what to think. I see a bright line between porn and online forums—am I wrong? I feel betrayed, and I don't feel like I can entirely trust him now. Am I a fool for thinking that I could ever trust a guy who started out by cheating on his mistress with me? It's been a lot of years, and closeness, and I value this connection. I also feel like it would be more work to replace him than I'm in the mood to invest—he's great in bed, and a lot of fun when we're not in bed. But I hate being played—am I being played?
Can't Help Enquiring About This
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You say this incident left you feeling like you can't entirely trust this guy, CHEAT, but it looks more like a reminder that you never could entirely trust this guy. He was, as you point out, cheating on his mistress when he started sleeping with you. Typically an advice columnist would slap you around this point—"The other other woman is shocked to learn that a guy who cheated on two women with her might one day cheat on her too!"—but I'm not gonna go there. You've got a good thing going with a guy who has many great qualities and you were always aware that honesty didn't top the list. And you admit that monogamy wasn't something you could reasonably expect from him, so it's not like you're deluded or hypocritical—so there's no reason to slap you around. (But you might want to stay out of the comments thread.)
So what do you do now? You have two options.
1. Throw away what you've got with him—the closeness, the connection, the companionship, the sex, the mentoring, the fun—because he was stupid enough to put a personal ad up behind your back, a personal ad that no one was likely to respond to. That wasn't honest of him and you're feeling betrayed... even though nothing happened and nothing was likely to happen. But, hey, there are Principals At Stake here, right? So while you probably would've signed off on him getting together with a rare and uncommon playmate if he managed to find one, CHEAT, he didn't ask your permission in advance to advertise for one... so you gotta dump him. Goodbye closeness, connection, companionship, etc.
2. Explain to him that you were hurt by his actions. You're not his wife and you're not his former mistress, i.e. you've never had unrealistic expectations about him being 100% faithful to you. You are also totally GGG, as he damn well knows at this point, and you would've given this message in a bottle your blessing if he had only asked. Finding out about it from your husband was embarrassing and unnecessary. Then after accepting his apology, CHEAT, you prove that there was no reason to keep this from you by giving him your okay to put the ad back up. Giving him your retroactive permission to go ahead and do what he already did is the most effective way to prove to him that there was no need to do it the way he did it.
But I haven't answered your question. You ask: "But I hate being played—am I being played?"
I couldn't tell ya, CHEAT. Maybe you are, maybe you aren't.
Some readers will look at his history and insist that he had to be playing you. Once a player/cheater always a player/cheater, right? But lots of people treat personal ads as a sort of interactive porn—much to the annoyance of people who are actually trying to get laid via personal ads—so it's possible that he had no intention of getting together with anyone else. The fact that he was advertising for someone so rare that he was unlikely to get so much as a single response would seem to support his version of events. But only time will tell if he's playing you, CHEAT. The question for you is whether you value the closeness, connection, companionship, etc., so highly that you'll keep seeing him long enough for him to prove that he is or isn't/was or wasn't playing you.
Good luck.