Property tax season is upon us! Sing like the angels! And guess what? Bills, along with property values, are going up, up, up, and up. Why? Because of this new bubble we're in and how it's breaking the chains of Oregon's byzantine rules around tax "compression."

Thanks, Supreme Court! Texas will be allowed to use its awful, strict, and racist voter ID law during next month's election, even though it's under court review. But guess what? Three justices, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Elana Kagan, and Sonia Sotomayor, all signed a six-page dissent calling out the court's decision for the hooey that it is.

And here we return to the continuing saga of America's super-secret space shuttle. And guess what? It just returned to earth after nearly two whole years in orbit.

That big green buttplug in Paris? It's allegedly some kind of modern-art Christmas tree. And guess what? It's also been wrecked by pearl-clutching French vandals.

The US government's Ebola response has been... less than desirable. And guess what? President Obama is really mad, you guys. Why, he's been downright SEETHING!

Vladimir Putin doesn't give a shit. He breezed into a Milan summit late. He kept Germany's Angela Merkel waiting for a meeting. And then guess what? When that meeting finally wrapped up, at 2 am, he buzzed over to the deposed Italian prime minister's house for a truffles feast that lasted until 4.

Hong Kong riot cops finally cleared out a protest campsite that'd been up and running for weeks. But then guess what? The protesters answered back with some force, retaking streets and setting up clashes that resulted in dozens of arrests.

The grump from Florida who shot dead a young African American man over loud music was finally sentenced for murder yesterday. And guess what? It's a doozy. He's getting 90 years PLUS life without parole.

In Israeli-Palestinian relations, few things are more tense than the status of the Al-Aqsa Mosque, which Jews also revere as the ancient site of a Old Testament temple. And guess what? Everyone's even more tense than usual after a handful of Palestinian leaders started warning their kin that Israel was about to cut off their access.

The gains made in health care reform sound good. Lots of people who previously lacked insurance now have it. LOTS OF THEM. But guess what? That newfound "insured" status hasn't mattered all that much to some people. Deductibles and out-of-pocket costs amounting to several thousand dollars are still keeping people without means from seeing doctors.

A high school women's soccer coach in Connecticut stands accused of Snapchatting his young charges a 10-second video that shows him in the midst of some Onanism. But guess what? He's argued it was a mistake! It was meant for his wife! Technology! Drats!

A prominent New York investment banker exiting a Lincoln Towncar apparently doored a bike-share rider the other day, seriously messing the guy up, leaving him bleeding and pale and disoriented. The banker is such a big wheel, he just helped Facebook finish a $19 billion acquisition. But then guess what? Once he surveyed the damage, and realized ambulances were coming, witness say the banker tossed off a business card and then took off running. And hardly looked back.

ONE DAY, WE'LL ALL HAVE CAKE. AND MOBILITY-ASSISTANCE DEVICES.