I'm a trans guy in a relationship with a cis guy. We've been dating for a couple of months and it's definitely one of the more exciting, exploratory relationships I've had and he's one of the kinkier guys I've ever been with. (BDSM, toys, WS—and I never thought I'd be into watersports.) We agreed early on not to be exclusive and, during that conversation, I made it clear that I am not interested in polyamory. Right now, I'm dating him and having sex with friends/hookups on the side. My other partners know I have a boyfriend and they're all fine with that. Some of them have boyfriends too. My boyfriend, though, is in at least one other committed relationship, with a woman and she is poly. (I've met her primary partner in a different context.) He's not hooking up with anyone outside of the two of us. (Not together. I'm not really interested in a threesome with his girlfriend.) This feel likes polyamory to me and it grates on me. He insists it isn't.

I don't mind if my boyfriend hooks up with other people (although I could do with hearing about it less from him) but I don't like that he has a girlfriend. He keeps telling me that it's the same as my hook up buddies.

Seriously Not Into Poly

My response after the jump...

I'm trying to wrap my head around what grates you about this, SNIP.

You have sex with your friends, some of whom have boyfriends of their own, and that's not poly (so it's okay) because... you're not just having sex with one other person besides your boyfriend. (Also, too, you're hooking up with the odd rando.) But your boyfriend is only having sex with one other person, a woman with a husband of her own, and that's poly (which is not okay) because... your boyfriend isn't sleeping with other friends and randos in addition to this one other woman? So all your boyfriend has to do to avoid the dreaded poly label (and mollify you) is fuck some other people? Because fucking other friends and a sprinkling of randos would... do what exactly? Dilute his feelings for the woman he's already fucking? Prevent him from making a top-secret, polyamorous commitment to her?

Look, SNIP, I don't see what difference it makes if your boyfriend fucks a thousand other people he doesn't wanna fuck or fucks only the one other person he does wanna fuck. You fuck around with friends, plural, he fucks around with friend, singular. Friends with benefits for you, one friend with benefits for him. You like friends—hopefully you love your friends—and he may like/love this woman.

It seems to me, SNIP, that the only problem here is the one you're working so hard to manufacture.

You're in an open relationship, SNIP, which means you're both free to sleep with other people. Your boyfriend is only sleeping with one other person at this time and maybe that's just the way he rolls. Maybe your boyfriend is a two-person-a-time guy. There's nothing necessarily poly about it fucking two people at a time.

Chill.