I'm a straight guy in his early thirties. About six months ago, my wife and I went out on the town to celebrate our wedding anniversary. When we came home, we started fooling around, but a combination of too much alcohol and not enough sleep meant I passed out right in the middle of things. The next morning, she said that I'd fallen asleep and that when she'd realized, she'd stopped, leaving me feeling embarrassed but not upset.

Last week, however, she told me offhandedly that she had kept going. She wasn't specific on the details, but I don't think that we continued having penetrative vaginal sex. She said that she kept grinding on me and even went down on me a little.

When she told me this, I felt confused and upset, as though my boundaries had been violated. It didn't help that she seemed rather flip about the whole thing, and kept acting as if her actions were funny. I don't want to blow this out of proportion or get too upset about it, but I'm uncomfortable knowing that my wife disregarded my consent in this way. How should I feel about this and how can I help her to see my point of view?

Confused Husband Upset Basically

My response after the jump...

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I'll get to how you should feel about this—actually, CHUB, I won't be that proscriptive—and to what to say to your wife in a second. But first...

If walked up to a guy in the gym and put my hand on the small of his back and then slid my hand down into his shorts without first obtaining verbal consent, CHUB, that would be assault. But I can do that to my husband (but not at the gym) and I have done that to my husband (never at the gym) and I'll do that to my husband again (maybe someday at the gym). And it goes without saying—no, wait. This is something we should err on the side of saying even when it feels unnecessary: I immediately remove my hand from my husband's back/shorts/ass if he says, "Not now." He does the same to me (touches without asking) and for me (stops when I say stop).

But we're conscious when that stuff happens. What about when we're unconscious?

Well, sometimes I wake up with and my husband's arms around me and one of his hands in my swimsuit area. The early morning spooning-cuddle-grope is one of his signature moves, CHUB, and he typically places his hand in my swimsuit area while I am still asleep. Unconscious. I've adopted this move and do the same to him: he sometimes wakes up with my hand in his swimsuit area. It's not sex, CHUB, but it's definitely sexual. And if either of us were attempt the spoon-cuddle-grope move a stranger who had dozed off next to us on a bus, CHUB, that would be assault.

So... my husband and I touch each other in sexual ways without asking and he sometimes touches me in a sexual way when I'm unconscious and vice-versa. I assume you and your wife do the same. I assume that all married couples—or the happily married couples anyway—do the same.

Okay, CHUB, on to your questions...

Your wife touched you in a sexual way when you were unconscious. It might be more accurate to say that she continued to touch you in a sexual way after you lost consciousness. You two were having sex when you conked and/or passed out. Instead of stopping (which she should have), and instead of getting upset and/or having a colossal meltdown (which many people would have), your wife opted to "keep going." She ground, she sucked.

Let me be clear: that was not okay. And it's criminal in Canada. That nation's Supreme Court ruled in 2011 that a married woman couldn't consent in advance to having sex with her husband while she was unconscious:


"...an individual must be conscious throughout the sexual activity in order to provide the requisite consent. Parliament requires ongoing, conscious consent to ensure that women and men are not the victims of sexual exploitation and to ensure that individuals engaging in sexual activity are capable of asking their partners to stop at any point.”

So how should you feel about what happened?

You should feel the way you feel. What other choice do you have? Feel the fuck out of your feelings. What your wife did bothered you—it confused and upset you—and your feelings are valid. What she did was unsettling, fucked up, and illegal in Canada. And she lied to you about what happened that night when you asked six months ago. That's also fucked up.

Your boundaries were violated. But they were violated by your wife. By which I mean to say: you were subjected to sexual touch when you were unconscious by someone who has most likely touched you in sexual ways when you were unconscious in the past without leaving you feeling violated, confused, and upset. So your wife may have difficultly perceiving the boundary violation here.

How do you make your wife see your point of view?

I would suggest that you treat her intentions and the impact of her actions as two different things. Let's give your wife the benefit of the doubt and assume she violated your boundaries thoughtlessly, not maliciously. Then tell her clearly that, intentions and assumptions notwithstanding, you felt violated by her actions. She may not have been able to anticipate that her actions would leave you feeling this way, CHUB, but they did. She didn't intend to hurt you, but she did. She needs to apologize to you and she needs to promise you that this will never happen again.