I'm a 25-year-old straight woman in a long-term, now long-distance relationship. I got together with my 32-year-old boyfriend the day I turned 20, we were together for about 3 years, broke up for about nine months and got back together again right before I moved out of state for school. Our relationship for the past year has been mostly through Skype with visits every couple months. We have a lot of history together, some good, some bad, yada yada, we all know how relationships work.

The reason we broke up was because instead of having sex with me, he'd go jack off to porn after I fell asleep, among other things. I got tired of feeling unattractive and broke it off, which was painful because I was still in love with him. So when we got back together, we both agreed to make an effort to be open and honest, as well as working on our bodies (he's lost 50 pounds, I've lost 60 this past year) and pursuing things that made us happy, which is why I decided to move for college.

This summer, when he was visiting, I found a video of us having sex on his computer. I had no idea that this video was taken and when I confronted him about it, he brushed it off. He said he was just "trying it" to help his sexuality and forgot that it was on his computer. I don't know why, but I didn't get angry at the time. But we used to have Skype sex and I'd send provocative pictures but that all came to a screeching halt after I found the video. I asked him to delete all the pictures I sent to him and I began feeling more self-conscious getting naked on camera.

During my time in school, we have had a don't ask, don't tell open relationship with a little too much grey area. I never pursued anything until the last month of school when I hooked up a couple times with a friend. I felt extremely guilty about it but enjoyed feeling attractive with my new body and with a new person. It also wasn't a possibility through most of school, as I was very serious about my schoolwork and I was on Skype with my boyfriend nearly every night.

I just moved to yet another new city for a high stress internship that takes 80 hours a week and my relationship with my boyfriend is now on the rocks. He admitted that he looked at my text messages and even at my cellphone account to see the frequency of correspondence with this other guy and feels emotionally cheated on. He also wants to know all my plans for the future, hinted at shopping for wedding rings, and tells me he's lost 15 pounds in a week from not eating and sleeping. I feel like I don't even have the energy to explain my side of things to him, especially when everything I say makes him act like a wounded animal.

Is this as big of a hot mess as it feels? All I want to do is throw myself into my future and see where it takes me. My career is very important to me and I feel like it's not synonymous with his ideas of the future. I also don't want to hurt someone that I love, either by breaking his heart or by keeping him dangling like a sad little fish.

Sorry for the novel, any advice would be appreciated.

Tormented Over Relationship Now

My brief response—TK—after the jump...

I wasn't going to do a SLLOTD today—it's Thanksgiving and I'm on my way to a dinner party—but then I read TORN's letter and figured... well, why not? She wrote me on Thanksgiving why shouldn't I scrounge up some advice on Thanksgiving? But it's going to have to be quick. And, hey, Terry is reading this over my shoulder so he's going to weigh in too.

He violated your privacy—and has probably done so on multiple occasions—and you have, er, non-synonymous ideas about your futures. Okay, TORN, I'm gonna give you what clearly wanted and clearly need: You have my permission to dump with your creepy boyfriend. But you might wanna spend an evening digging through his computer before you dump him. Delete all the pictures and videos of yourself that you find on his computer—and you'll find plenty—and then dump him.—Dan

Obviously she cares for him, but that kind of long-distance relationship is hard enough without all that suspicion and guilt. It's not worth it. Find a boyfriend in the city where you live. DTMFA.—Terry