blazers_knicks.jpg

Live from the Moda Center as the Portland Trail Blazers host the New York Knickerbockers.

Oh, the Knicks. The terrible, horrible, no good, very bad Knicks. This team is a dumpster fire, off to their worst start in franchise history. Clubbing baby seals is more enjoyable than watching Carmelo Anthony jack up twenty-foot jumpers.

The good news for New York is...uh, Phil Jackson is around? Amar’e Stoudemire’s albatross of a contract comes off the books after this year? Andrea Bargnani is hurt and therefore not playing? Yeah, things are bleak. The only silver lining to be found anywhere is the trim on the inside on one of Melo’s hats.

The Knicks lost in Sacramento last night, giving up 135 points to the Kings. The Blazers could start Chris Kaman’s new son, Barrett, at center and still have a pretty good chance of walking away with a victory tonight.

PRE-GAME:
You can catch a bad team like the 76ers on the wrong night, where everything is falling for them and they just run you out of the gym. The Knicks don’t run. There’s no excitement, no sense of urgency, no happiness. Their only hope is to suck the life out of the building and drag you down to their level. Between the Knicks and the Nets, basketball in New York is a barren wasteland of sadness.

LaMarcus Aldridge is going to miss another game tonight, as he’s still battling that upper respiratory illness that’s kept him out of three of the last four games. Not even his absence can slow the Blazers down. Portland destroyed Philadelphia without Aldridge, and they’ll do the same here. I mean, New York's starting big men are Cole Aldrich and Jason Smith. Patrick Ewing and Charles Oakley aren't walking through that door.

Samuel Dalembert, J.R. Smith, Iman Shumpert, and Amar'e Stoudemire are all out for New York. No, really. They're in the second night of a back to back with only nine healthy bodies, eight of which are sub-replacement level talent. Melo could go for sixty and the Knicks still lose by thirty.

As if Portland needed any extra help, Chris Kaman will suit up tonight. He missed the last game to be there for the birth of his son, but he’ll be back at it with his newfound dad-strength.

FIRST QUARTER:
10:42 - Nicolas Batum hit from deep to break the scoring open. Please, please, please let his outside shot start falling again. 3-0 Blazers.

9:42 - Melo missed his first shot of the game, a (you guessed it!) twenty-foot jumper. Thomas Robinson followed that up with a twenty-foot jumper of his own, and hit nothing but net. Yep, it's going to be that kind of night for New York. 8-2 Blazers.

9:12 - Wesley Matthews has an unlimited amount of arrows, and he's going to be shooting them all night long. 11-2 Blazers.

7:26 - Damian Lillard was all alone behind the three-point line, begging for the ball—clapping, jumping, doing whatever he could to get Batum's attention. Nicolas dished it to Matthews in the post instead, and Wesley drained the fade away. 16-6 Blazers.

6:12 - Jose Calderon is a terrible defender. Lillard is able to get around him on every possession, and it's breaking down all of New York's defense. Portland is getting every single look they want. 21-11 Blazers.

5:45 - Matthews for three! He's hit the bench with three arrows already, and we're just halfway through the quarter. Someone invite that man to the three-point contest already. 24-13 Blazers.

3:40 - Portland is 10-13 from the field and 6-7 from deep. I think that might be really good. 27-15 Blazers.

2:13 - Chris Kaman out here with two misses already, really screwing up Portland's shooting percentage. They're all the way down to 75%. 29-20 Blazers.

0:00 - Matthews missed everything on a three-point attempt, and somewhere a puppy just died. 31-22 Blazers.

SECOND QUARTER:
11:40 - Not the best start to the quarter. Allen Crabbe blew a wide open alley-oop, and Steve Blake got hit below the belt when Quincy Acy tried to save a loose ball by throwing it off of Blake. 31-22 Blazers.

10:18 - Matthews has nineteen points and is 5-7 from deep. All your arrows belong to Wesley. 38-22 Blazers.

8:24 - LaMarcus is out, Dame just has three points, and yet Portland has opened up a sixteen point lead already. Unreal. The Knicks really are that bad. 42-26 Blazers.

8:02 - Batum for three! He's 3-3 from deep. All it took for him to get out of his shooting slump was a visit from New York. 45-28 Blazers.

5:48 - Batum for three! Again! This game is everything. Portland is 10-15 from deep. The NBA record for most threes made in a game is 23, and it's hard to think the Blazers won't flirt with that tonight. 50-32 Blazers.

2:14 - The Blazers have missed two threes in a row, so Terry Stotts naturally called time. 53-37 Blazers.

0:00 - Portland missed a few open looks from three, and only managed to score five points in the last six minutes of the second quarter, but other than that things couldn't have gone much better. If it weren't so exciting to watch Portland rain threes, I'd say just rest the starters from here on out. 55-41 Blazers.

THIRD QUARTER:
12:00 - Yeah, so about resting the starters? Melo is done for the night. The white flag has been raised. 55-41 Blazers.

10:35 - Lillard steal, Matthews three. Poor Knicks. This just isn't fair. 60-43 Blazers.

6:58 - Well, the three magic has worn off—Matthews has missed his last three attempts. But hey, at least Joel Freeland picked up a highlight block, rejecting Tim Hardaway Jr. on a dunk attempt. 62-45 Blazers.

6:26 - Threes aren't falling? Cut to the rim for a reverse dunk instead. Well played, Wes. Well played. He's up to 26 points on the night. 64-45 Blazers.

4:27 - First team to seventy wins! Oh...wait. Guess we gotta call it. 71-47 Blazers.

1:57 - Chris Kaman picking Chipotle as his favorite Portland restaurant is the most Chris Kaman thing ever. His answer was the first thing to make me smile in over an hour. 75-49 Blazers.

0:00 - Remember in The Neverending Story when Artax gets swallowed up in the Swamps of Sadness? Dame just missed a free throw, so I can only assume that's what happening to him right now. This game is getting to everyone. 76-58 Blazers.

FOURTH QUARTER:
10:45 - Pablo Prigioni taking thirty-foot threes < Dame taking thirty-foot threes. That...did not end well for Pablo. 78-61 Blazers.

9:22 - Back to back threes for Steve Blake and Victor Claver. Timeout New York. I'd try and make a joke here, but watching the Knicks for three plus quarters has really taken it out of me. 84-61 Blazers.

6:17 - Cole Aldrich has been a beast on the offensive boards. He straight took a rebound away from Joel Freeland—ripped it right out of his hands after Joel came down with it—and tried to put it back up. Joel timed his jump perfectly and swatted it into the second row. That rejection elicited the largest cheers of the night. It's been that kind of night. 86-65 Blazers.

5:38 - The fans are streaming towards the exit during this timeout. Get out while you can. 88-68 Blazers.

4:26 - That block must have fired Joel up—he's had two dunks on his last two touches. Dude is beasting. 94-70 Blazers.

3:03 - Loud cheers here for Freeland as he checks out—those last two dunks put him up to ten points on the night, and he leaves the game with his first career double double. 96-72 Blazers.

1:25 - Meyers Leonard with two fouls in the span of nine seconds. He'll make up for it by hitting a shot for free fries. 99-74 Blazers.

0:38 - Meyers missed a two-foot hook shot in the lane. This crowd is getting antsy for their free food. Come on, Meyers. Take 'em home. 99-76 Blazers.

0:30 - Meyers! Alley-oop! Free food! He did it! 101-76 Blazers.

FINAL: 101-79 Blazers. That was never close, and Portland picked up one of their easier wins on the season. Even better, they won't have to face the Knicks again this season. Goodness, that team is a complete mess. The Blazers have one more game in 2014 against Toronto, and that one will surely be a more enjoyable experience.