Live from the Moda Center as the Portland Trail Blazers host the Los Angeles Lakers.

We cut now, live to a view of this Lakers season and...oh. Oh no. It seems this dumpster is going to be burning for some time.

Watching this team implode has been a delight. Every day there’s a new story of incompetence, a new gif of basketball ineptitude, a new reason to laugh in the face of a once-proud franchise.

Kobe Bryant has officially turned into an old man yelling at a cloud. He’s having his worst season by a mile, yet still acting like the best player in the league. Despite a disastrously low shooting percentage—38% from the field!!—he has one of the highest usage rates of his career, as well as the second-highest usage rate in the entire league. And his coach wants him to shoot more!

I’d say having Kobe shoot more is a subtle tanking strategy by Byron Scott—the Lakers have been worse this season with Kobe on the floor than off—but Scott is the same coach that said threes don’t win championships. He really might just be that bad of a coach, frozen in time in 1980 and unable to adapt to today’s NBA.

Were this happening to any other team it might be sad, but it’s happening to the Lakers. Watching them fail is a gift that keeps on giving, so just sit back and enjoy and the show.

PRE-GAME:
Aw, crap, Kobe didn’t even travel with the team to Portland. I was so looking forward to Lakers fans trying to muster the energy to chant “MVP” for someone having such a crap year. They’d do it, too, despite the Lakers having the second-worst record in the Western Conference. This place is still littered with #24 jerseys.

But since Kobe isn’t here, that means the Lakers might have a little fight in them. They’re the worst defensive team in the league, but it’s hard to get back on defense when you have someone jacking contested twenty-footers over three defenders on the other side of the ball. It’s easier for an underdog team to scrap when everyone is getting into the flow of the game. The Lakers took down the Warriors without Kobe. They could easily pull off another upset here if Portland isn’t careful.

Oh, wait, never mind. I just looked at the starting lineup for the Lakers. Ronnie Price? Wayne Ellington? Nick Young? That is a terrible defensive lineup. Portland might have 100 by the half.

The biggest test for Portland will once again be rim protection. Joel Freeland is expected to miss two weeks with a shoulder strain. With Meyers Leonard in the starting lineup (!!), that leaves Chris Kaman and Thomas Robinson as the only backup bigs. Neither of those three are inspiring options when it comes to defense. The Western Conference Coach of the Month for December, Terry Stotts, is going to have his work cut out for him.

FIRST QUARTER:
11:27 - Chris Kaman actually got the start instead of Meyers Leonard, and he's making his presence felt here early. He was able to get a hand on a Wesley Matthews miss, back tap it to LaMarcus Aldridge, and Aldridge pulled up for three! 3-0 Blazers.

9:17 - They aren't as many in numbers as the days of old, but the Lakers fans in attendance are doing their best to cheer their team on. They're getting pretty loud after every make. 6-5 Lakers.

8:16 - Oh, no. No no no no. Wesley Matthews is on the ground, in serious pain and sobbing. On the replay, it looks like his knee buckled with no contact. That has to be an ACL. No. 7-6 Blazers.

6:52 - I can't even watch this stupid game right now. If Matthews is seriously hurt... 11-8 Blazers.

5:16 - If anyone needs me, I'm going to be aggressively updating Twitter for more info on Matthews. I hate this game. 15-10 Blazers.

4:44 - Well, at least Nick Young got the Lakers fans engaged. He lost the ball into the back court after trying to dribble around Allen Crabbe, tracked it down, and pulled up from 35 feet to beat the shot clock. Swish. 15-13 Blazers.

3:40 - Matthews just walked back to the bench and sat down! On his own! I love everyone and everything! Even the stupid Lakers! If that was a serious injury, he'd still be back with the trainers. Crisis seemingly averted. Whew. 18-13 Blazers.

2:49 - Matthews is back into this game! How?! The crowd is going nuts. 20-16 Blazers.

0:20 - I didn't know it was possible to be this excited for two free throws, but Matthews just sunk a couple for his first two points of the game. 24-23 Blazers.

0:00 - Everything was terrible for a minute, then everything was set right with the world. Finally, some injury karma for the Blazers. Now, on to three more quarters of basketball. 24-23 Blazers.

SECOND QUARTER:
10:16 - Meyers Leonard three-pointer! As you were. 29-23 Blazers.

8:26 - We're partway through the second and the Blazers have 29 points against the worst defensive team in the league. Ugh. 30-29 Lakers.

6:58 - Damian Lillard into the game, Damian Lillard right to the rim. He's being guarded by Jeremy Lin, and the Lakers have no rim protectors. Dame should have a layup every time down the court. Don't even bother getting into offensive sets, just let him go one on one. 33-33 Tie.

5:48 - Meyers for his second three, from the exact same spot he hit his first. Okay, then. 36-36 Tie.

4:26 - Lillard with back to back buckets at the rim, and the Lakers need time. That's more like it. 40-36 Blazers.

3:51 - Ronnie Price tried to flop on Dame but the refs weren't buying it. Dame took a few steps towards the rim, then kicked to an open Batum for three. Money. 43-36 Blazers.

2:16 - Kaman had two great back to back blocks on Ed Davis, but it was all for naught as the ball found its way to Wayne Ellington in the corner for an open three. 43-41 Blazers

0:00 - The Blazers are juuuuust a bit off my halftime prediction of 100 points. They just have to dial up the intensity to somewhere over 60% and this one will be over. Hopefully they come out of halftime with their foot on the gas and end this quickly. I've already had enough excitement for one night with the almost-injury to Matthews, I can't take a close game against a terrible team on top of that. 47-45 Blazers.

THIRD QUARTER:
10:04 - There should never be two minutes in a game against these Lakers where the Blazers fail to score. Thankfully, the just made it under the wire here to start the third, with Dame collapsing the defense and kicking to an open Aldridge along the baseline. 49-47 Blazers.

7:07 - Wayne Ellington for another three. You can't led bad teams hang around like this—they'll gain some confidence and think they can win. Time to end this nonsense. 56-54 Lakers.

5:15 - Technical foul for Dame. That'll get him going. He drove the lane, and Ryan Kelly both fouled him and pulled him down to the ground by his neck. It was a hard foul, but Dame took exception to the extra pull around the neck by Kelly. Watch out, Lakers. You won't like Lillard when he's mad. 61-55 Lakers.

3:03 - Ugh, the Lakers can't miss right now. And when they aren't hitting, they're grabbing their misses and making those. 69-59 Lakers.

2:45 - Whew, Dame for three to stop the bleeding. That was getting a little uncomfortable. 69-62 Lakers.

1:22 - Matthews for three! That's his first make from the field tonight, and the bow and arrow never looked so good. 71-67 Lakers.

0:29 - Ronnie Price took a Thomas Robinson elbow to the face, was called for the foul, and left a stream of blood all over the court for his trouble. I don't know how Robinson was able to get the call on that, but he'll be shooting freebies after the clean up crew gets the blood off the floor. 73-69 Lakers.

0:00 - Okay, time to put this one away. Just play a little defense and it's over. 73-70 Lakers.

FOURTH QUARTER:
10:00 - Okay, maybe the Blazers need to play some offense as well. They blew the two minute rule, not scoring for over two minutes on this terrible defense. 76-70 Lakers.

9:21 - Meyers Leonard, corner three and-one. Dude had a four-point play. I don't even. 76-74 Lakers.

8:14 - Wow, the Lakers are terrible. They had a two on one fast break, with Jeremy Lin alone under the basket, and still couldn't score. Nick Young passed the ball too late, Lin missed the shot, and Young was called an offensive foul. That this team is leading by four is unreal. 78-74 Lakers.

5:55 - If there's any silver lining to be taken from this game, it's that the Kobe-less Lakers also beat the best team in the league. Other than that, ugh. 83-76 Lakers.

5:12 - Dame for three. Y'all know what time it is. 83-79 Lakers.

4:32 - Dame for another three! Like I said. 85-82 Lakers.

4:04 - Here comes the home team. Dame drove the lane, missed the layup, but Aldridge was there to dunk home the rebound. 85-84 Lakers.

3:30 - Aldridge with the baseline fade away. Timeout Lakers. You knew that flurry was coming sooner or later. 86-85 Blazers.

3:07 - The flurry continues. Dame drove around the entire Lakers defense, faked the pullback, hesitated, and went right to the rim for an easy layup. See, guys, was scoring on this team really that hard? 88-85 Blazers.

2:32 - Dame for another pullup three. He has flames coming out of his nose. 91-87 Blazers.

1:06 - Dame has been coming around screens and trying to get a foul call on all of his threes, but no luck. Nick Young pulled up on the same exact play and somehow got the call Dame couldn't, and was able to knock down all of his freebies. 91-90 Blazers.

0:43 - After a LaMarcus free throw line jumper rimmed out, Jeremy Lin picked up a foul on the other end and knocked down both of his free throws. The Lakers have the lead once again. 92-91 Lakers.

0:35 - Lillard and Aldridge worked the two-man game to perfection. Aldridge caught the ball in the post, passed to a cutting Dame, and Lillard drove to the rim and put it in with ease. 93-92 Blazers.

0:19 - Nick Young missed a jumper, and Dame grabbed the board. The Lakers had to foul as they were out of time, and Dame stepped to the line and hit 'em both. 95-92 Blazers.

0:12 - Lin was able to shake Dame around the three-point line, stepped back for the tie, and missed everything. It wasn't even close. Aldridge corralled the board, was fouled, and sunk both his free throws. The crowd is chanting "Beat LA" and the Blazers are going to escape tonight with a win. 97-92 Blazers.

0:06 - Dame stepped to the line with a chance to give himself 40 on the night, but was only able to sink one of two. He'll have to settle for 39. 98-94 Blazers.

FINAL: 98-94 Blazers. Another ugly win for Portland, but they were able to pull it out in the end. Thankfully. Losing to this Lakers always sucks, but losing to this Lakers team would have been especially bad. Dame was unreal in the fourth, and Meyers stepped up with some solid rebounding and defense late. Mark it down in the win column, forget it, and it's on to the next one.