Not to get all Francine about it, but there has never been a person who is more wrong than the wrong person who wrote this week's I, Anonymous:

Hey you! Asshole in the theater who always loves to SHHHHHUUUSH me. KILL YOURSELF. I know, I know: This movie is probably the highlight of the week of your boring little life—but come on! It's a f**king PG-13 soap opera in a second-run theater. And, guess what? I PAID THE SAME AMOUNT AS YOU, which makes us equals. I'm sorry you need to hang on to every little word as if your life depends on it. But I DON'T. I go to movies to have a good time. And if my partner and I want to Mystery Science Theater the shit out of any movie we see, then WE WILL. And, your pathetic shhhush won't stop me. It's the equivalent of honking at me in traffic. Yes, you have a horn. No, I do not care. So next time, moviegoer, if you're thinking of shhhusshhing a stranger, ask yourself if it's worth it? 'Cause chances are it just might be me, and you might just end up with "PIPE THE FUCK DOWN" keyed into the side of your car!—Anonymous

This person's financial investment makes them equal to no one; this person has failed to realize that many people in Portland can't afford to see movies at first-run theaters; this person does not comprehend how motion pictures function when viewed in a public venue; this person is probably lying about having a partner; this person will talk back to a movie screen but not directly engage multiple people who have repeatedly and quietly attempted to inform this person that they're acting like a self-absorbed asshole; this person has probably never keyed anything in their life and this person probably never will. This person is wrong, and every second-run theater in Portland should ban them forever, forthwith and in perpetuity.