FIFTY SHADES OF GREY—Elinor saw it for us! She... did not care for it.

The short review: I did not like Fifty Shades of Grey very much.

The even shorter review: DADDY ISSUES.

The actual review: Oof. Where to begin?

KINGSMAN: THE SECRET SERVICE—Mercury 007 Editor Ned Lannamann saw this one, and holy shit did he ever love it.

You can tell a lot about someone by which James Bond is his or her favorite. Judging from Kingsman: The Secret Service, director Matthew Vaughn's favorite is Roger Moore. Moore's Bond films were glamorous, extravagant trash, and Kingsman is both a love letter to that goofy camp and a mild critique of the dour, serious Bond we've got now.

MOMMY—Alison Hallett saw Xavier Dolan's latest, about a Bad Seed.

My friends keep having babies. The Great Baby Epidemic started about a year ago, and will presumably continue until Portland has been entirely repopulated with white babies named Tallulah. And if I've learned anything from pop culture, eventually one of them is going to be a Bad Seed.

THE AGE OF LOVE—Valentine's Day will never not be bullshit, but at least this year it'll give some people an excuse to watch a charming movie about charming old people who want to charmingly bone each other. EVEN MORE CHARMING: Following the screening, a speed-dating event for 70- to 90-year-olds will take place at the Hollywood Senior Center. As Marjorie Skinner writes:

It's a function of youth obsession that The Age of Love seems so offbeat, and there's no sense denying that aging and dying are things we're all afraid of. But as The Age of Love proves, it's comforting to confront that fear head-on and find humor and contentment—as well as the same old anxieties you have now.

We've got more reviews, as ever, in Film Shorts—including reviews of a whole lot of movies that're screening this week at the continuing Portland International Film Festival. And here are your Movie Times. Choose wisely.