I love and adore my wife, and would never stray, but I am going out of my friggin' mind because I am a kinkster (of the consensual-nonconsent and rape-play vintage with a side of ball-gag drool), yet have a very vanilla sex life. My wife knows all about my sexual predilections, does not judge them, and has tried to satisfy them, but her heart is not in it, and as a result, such attempts are epic in their non-sexiness. It's not that I don't find my wife hot. Quite the contrary, being naked with her is an instant megaboner, and I have little trouble climaxing during intercourse. But I have buttons that need to be pushed for my sex life to be truly fulfilling and satisfying in a physical and emotional sense, and that is not happening. I have resorted to masturbating with Tumblr porn on the side, which fills a physical need fleetingly, but not the emotional one, and ultimately solves nothing and is therefore depressing. In other words: If fapping fixed my problem, Dan, I would not be writing you. Now I am hitting my mid-50s without ever having fucked the way I really want (my wife is my first and last sex partner), and I'm panicking. Again, looking for the answer outside of my marriage is not an option, and I know my wife wouldn't be up for bring anyone else into our bed. Any advice?

Bondage And Lovely Leather Gags And Goodies

My response after the jump...

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

No advice for you, BALLGAG. Sorry.

Your wife is willing to go there, BALLGAG, but binding and gagging the wife doesn't work for you because "her heart is not in it." The obvious solution is getting the wife's okay to find a woman who's heart is in it—perhaps a woman with a husband whose heart isn't—and exploring this stuff with her. (Easier to do these days, of course, thanks to this thing.) But "looking for the answer outside [your] marriage is not an option." Three-ways aren't an option either.

I'm not a miracle worker, BALLGAG. I can't utter an incantation that makes your wife kinky or open a portal into an alternate universe where you can bind and gag women without technically cheating on the wife thanks to the Universal Alternate Universe Exception. So it looks like you'll have to settle for great sex with a hot woman who gives you megaboners, BALLGAG, while jacking off about your kinks—which doesn't really sound so bad, frankly. (The comment thread on this post is gonna fill with notes from bitter middle-aged men in sexless marriages angrily offering to trade places with you.)

But you're frustrated... and fapping isn't fixing it... and you're panicking... so what do you do? Your only option and only hope is to use your words. When was the last time you talked with your wife about your sex life? If it's been a long time, BALLGAG, if you've been running on autopilot, fumes, and assumptions for 10 or more years, ask your wife where she's at these days. Your wife might surprise you. Her positions on three-ways and outside sexual contact may have softened. It couldn't hurt to ask, and asking—and getting an answer you didn't expect—is the only way out of your predicament.