I'm a gay male who's been partnered for four years, and for the last four nights my S.O. and I have been sleeping in separate beds. Money's been tight, there have been fights over that, including one last night, and our sex life has been practically non-existent for a few months.

A couple mornings ago, as I went in to the spare bedroom before leaving for work, I noticed a small bottle of poppers on the nightstand's lower shelf. Before I said goodbye to the S.O., I asked why he'd slept in there, to which he replied, "Because I felt like it." All I could think to say was, "Um...okay," and left.

Well, I had today off because of snow, and after last night's fight, I was curious. I didn't see the poppers on the nightstand, but I saw a bulky gym bag near the edge of the bed frame near the nightstand. It was filled with rather large and thick dildos, including one fisting dildo. Part of me wished Helena Bonham Carter's Marla Singer would have appeared, and rolled her eyes, "Oh, don't worry. [They're] not a threat to you." But I can't use any of these myself. (I'm not much of a bottom, and the few dildos I've tried are "starters.") The ones I saw are pro-league, and I'm surprised the S.O. can enjoy them. Also: I've long known the S.O. likes nipple clamps, and I'd known about a thin sounding rod, but in my snooping I'd also found an extensive sounding kit.

Again, we've been together for four years, living together for almost half of that. We've never incorporated toys into our sex besides the few times I've tried getting over my issues with bottoming. Suffice it to say, since Marla isn't sitting on my shoulder might assure me, I am feeling threatened. Given the recent blow-ups, the mistrust over money, and the lack of intimacy, I'm not sure how to broach the subject. If he bought these, it's a sizable investment. If he was given them... I can't get past the shudder and even begin thinking about who might've given them to him.

He's about to go on a weekend trip tomorrow morning, and I don't know if I should say anything tonight, or wait until he returns.

Fretting In The Sticks

My response after the jump...

Don't say anything to your S.O. about the dildos and the poppers and the sounds—which he wasn't making much of an effort to hide from you—until after gets back from his trip, FITS. And don't make an issue of him sleeping in another bedroom for the last few nights. Just say this to him before he goes: "I love you. I know things have been stressful lately and I hope we can reconnect and get 'us' back on track soon. Have a good trip, honey, enjoy yourself, relax, and let's talk things over when you get home, okay?"

And here's what you tell yourself to keep yourself sane while he's gone: It's possible that those are brand new dildos and sounds and it's possible that your S.O. spent money you two don't have to waste on them. But it's also possible that the toys you found predate your relationship and he only recently pulled them out of whatever corner of the house he'd stashed them in because he was horny and needed to get off and things between you two had become so strained that he didn't feel like he could initiate sex with you. And it's highly unlikely that someone else gave those toys to your S.O. If he had been given them... if he was cheating on you... and the toys were evidence of the affair... wouldn't your S.O. have made more of an effort to hide them from you?

He may not have blown money on toys, he most likely isn't cheating on you—repeat as needed, to treat stress, while your S.O. is away for the weekend.

Then when your S.O. returns on Sunday, FITS, ask him about the toys without making any accusations and without sounding accusatory. (Practice while he's gone.) You two haven't been connecting sexually, which you blame on money woes, but your S.O. is not without a libido. You presumably aren't without one either, FITS. It also sounds like you two aren't in the habit of speaking openly with each other about your sex life, your kinks, and your fantasies. This is your opportunity. It could be that your S.O. is bored with your sexual routine, wants to be more adventurous, and right now he's having solo adventures in the spare room with his silicone buddies. Would you like to be included in his adventures? If so, ask him to include you. (You say you can't use any of the dildos you saw in that bag. That's not true: You can use them on your S.O. Same goes for the sounds and the titclamps.)

If he blew money you don't have right now on toys, FITS, don't blow up at him—not unless you wanna risk turning an argument over an ill-advised, impulse-and-impale purchase into a relationship-extinction-level event. And if a conversation about his new toys leads to an open and honest exchange that 1. helps you reconnect emotionally and 2. helps you reconnect sexually, FITS, then you should regard the toys as a worthwhile investment in your future. Good luck.