Why a cybercriminal? Well, I've heard a lot of good things about this growing industry, and I wanna get in on the ground floor. Number one great thing about being a cybercriminal: You can work from home. Sure, I loved the glamour of being an international jewel thief—but in reality? There's a lot of climbing buildings, and avoiding infrared laser security systems.
Number two great thing about being a cybercriminal: I don't even have to own my own computer! I can use the one from work! You have to buy all sorts of things when you're an international jewel thief... such as rope, grappling hooks, circular glass cutters, and French lessons.
Number three great thing about being a cybercriminal: I can stay in my underpants... allllll day. International jewel thieves are constantly changing outfits, trading black ski masks for fancy party tuxedos at a moment's notice. (It should be noted that international jewel thieves get 25 times more booty than an underwear-wearing cybercriminal... but there's always Tinder, right?)
Anyway, you know it's easy to be a cybercriminal when CBS decides to make a show about it. Debuting this week is CSI: Cyber (CBS, Wednesdays, 10 pm)—another genital wart sprouting from the ever-growing CSI franchise. This one stars Patricia Arquette (who just won an Oscar and is probably kicking herself right now for taking this crappy gig), as well as James Van Der Beek (from Dawson's Creek... let's pause to sing "I DON'T WANNA WAIT! FOR OUR LIIIIIIVES TO BE OVERRRR!"), and perhaps best of all, Lil' Bow Wow, who now wants to be called by his real name, "Shad Moss." HAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!! RIGHT. No can do, Lil' Bow Wow!
