It's time for another season of dragons, nudity, swords, and fake politics. Game of Thrones fifth season debuted last night, and the show is in an odd place right now. Earlier this year the showrunners and George R. R. Martin up and admitted that the show is going to pass up the books in terms of narrative, and that we're going to get a conclusion to all this mess on the screen far sooner than we're going to get it on the page. Martin also seems to be diverging with the show, and he's notably not writing an episode this season.

I'm fine with that. The show is a more coherent and interesting entity than the books are, and the last two title were not nearly as good as the first three books. I've compared the show to the books a good deal, and I'm going to try to stop doing that in these recaps, and take the show on its own terms. After all, that's what the people who are actually making the damn thing are doing.

Spoilers after the jump!

Looks like someone hasnt had their coffee yet!
  • Looks like someone hasn't had their coffee yet!

Gotta get back in time! Season five opened with the first flashback of the show, a young Cersei and her friend seeking out a creepy witch lady because, I guess, that's what you do if you're a teenager and you know there's a creepy witch who lives near your castle. You go find her and ask her questions about the dudes you'll bang. The witch told Cersei that she would get married to the king (good news) and that the king would have twenty children (damn, Robert, you were busy) and that she would have three. Young Cersei, apparently not knowing where babies come from, was kind of confused about how that would work. The creepy witch lady (who apparently tells your future by sucking your blood, which is way worse than a magic 8-ball) also told Cersei that she would have a challenger who was younger and more beautiful than she, and that all of her children would die. Kids, this is why you shouldn't mess with Ouija boards.

Flash-forward to the future and Cersei exchanged a pointed "bitch, please" face with Margaery. Now, obviously Cersei thinks that Margaery is the challenger that the old witch lady spoke of, but we, the viewer, know that it is probably Daenerys. We know something the characters don't! Isn't it cool how fiction can do that sometimes, guys?

Also, Cersei's cousin and former fuck buddy is now a monk or something.

Speaking of Margaery...Ew. In the grand tradition of "characters providing exposition while having sex" or "sexposition" Loras and whatever hot piece of man he was in bed with were talking about the Southern kingdom of Dorne and why it's important. And then Margaery burst in and RUINED EVERYTHING AND MARGAERY WHY ARE YOU BURSTING IN ON YOUR NAKED BROTHER WHILE HE'S DOING SEX THAT'S WEIRD. It's not Jaime and Cersei weird, sure, but still... ew. Margaery told Loras that eventually his secret gayness is going to get out and Loras just said "Everyhing knows everything about everyone. What’s the point of keeping a secret like this?" Loras, I like you.

Sansa: Still goth, Littlefinger: Still Creepy. Meanwhile in the Vale Sansa is still taking lessons in politics from Creepy Uncle Littlefinger. Robin, the nominal Lord of the Vale, is a useless, weak thirteen-year-old, and Littlefinger is more or less running things. Sansa asked him if he trusted anyone around them. “No," he said "but I pay them well, and they’ve seen what happens to people who disappoint me.” Man, Littlefinger sound like a character from The Wire or something.

Meanwhile, in Not Westeros... Tyrion and Varys have gotten the hell outta Dodge and are now staying with Illyrio Mopatis in the free city of Pentos. Mopatis was the guy who set up Dany with Khal Drogo, and is a supporter of a Targaryen restoration, and it looks like Varys is, too. So, it appears that Varys and Tyrion are going to team up with Dany who, one of these days, is going to get around to invading the Seven Kingdoms. Maybe. Possibly. We'll see about that. And, regarding Dany...

Meereen has professional cuddlers! One of Dany's Unsullied, despite not having any functional sex-parts, apparently frequents a Meereen brothel. He's not going there for sex, though, he was going there to be held. I find this sort of touching, honestly. The whole point of the Unsullied is that they're utterly dehumanized and therefore total killing machines, but this little detail reveals that they do, in fact, have human emotions underneath all that conditioning.

And then a masked assassin ruins everything by killing the dude.

The guys in masks, we learn in a scene with Daenerys, are an organization called the Sons of the Harpy, and they don't much like it that Dany is freeing slaves and changing the order of things, hence intimidation tactics like killing guys when they're trying to get their cuddle on. The former masters of Meereen and the surrounding area also ask Dany to reopen the gladitorial fights that the city used to feature, but with free volunteers fighting to the death instead of slaves, because that is a way more ethical way for people to kill each other for entertainment. Dany talks it over with her hot naked boyfriend, and it looks like later this season we're going to get some pit fighting. I am okay with that! You know those gladiators that use the net and trident? Those guys? Yeah, I kinda hope we get some of them.

Daenerys' dragons are now highly large dragon teenagers, and just like any other naughty adolescent, Dany has sent them to their room. Two of her dragons are chained up in a basement (poor dragons) but one of them, Drogon, is still flying free.

Stannis and Mance: Made fore each other. Up at the Wall, Mance Rayder, the former king of the Wildlings, is a prisoner of Stannis Baratheon. Stannis wanted the Wildling king to bend his knee and turn over his army of ice hippies to serve in Stannis' army. Mance Rayder, being as obstinate and idealistic as a block of ice, refused, and said as much to Jon Snow. Stannis' penalty for not joining up, though, is that he sets you on fucking fire, but that does not sway Mance. The Wildling king explains as much to Jon Snow, and is eventually taken to be burned by Melissandre (who is probably way into killing people with fire) in front of everybody. Instead of letting him be gradually and painfully consumed by the flames, though, Jon Snow does the decent thing and kills Mance with an arrow. Thanks, Jon! You're a stand-up guy.

See you guys next week!