GUYS! Did you see the Star Wars trailer? What am I saying? Of course you did. You're reading a goddamn Game of Thrones recap. You like Star Wars. Well, according to totally unsubstantiated rumors from the Intenet that may or may not be true, Gwendoline Christie (Brienne of Tarth) might be playing the character in that sweet chrome stormtrooper armor. This rumor might be bullshit! Or it might be a thing! Who knows! Well, the people who are actually involved in making Star Wars. They know.
This is not germane to anything at all in this recap. I just kind of want that to be true.
Uh, anyway, there's a Game of Thrones recap after the jump.
Brienne Versus Littlefinger! Brienne and her lovable sidekick Podrick stopped for an ale break in a tavern and, by total coincidence, bump into Littlefinger and Sansa. What follows is a war of words for Sansa Stark which, sadly Brienne is not the best at. Bri wanted Sansa to come with her but Littlefinger, ever the manipulator, brings up how Brienne failed to protect (and maybe even killed) Renly Baratheon, failed to protect Catelyn Stark, and at one point bowed to that little shit Joffrey. Littlefinger’s arguments are all self-serving distortions, but Bri can’t counter them. She was obviously not on her high school debate team.
She loses the word-fight but Bri has it where it matters in Westeros and manages to win the actual fight-fight. Littlefinger’s guys attack her, and she stabs them through the fucking neck. Nevertheless, it looks like Sansa is committed to learning about amorality and realpolitik from her gross uncle, and Brienne seems determined to swoop in and be honorable or something. Not sure where you’re going with this, Brienne, but please do keep hanging out with Pod. Pod’s cool.
Dorne-bound! Last season Tyrion, as acting Hand of the King, sent Cersei’s daughter Myrcella to Dorne, the Seven Kingdoms’ rough analogue for Spain. The move was both to make sure that not all of the royal Lannister kids would be in the same city, where they could be picked off, and it was also a gesture of diplomacy toward Dorne which, for all kinds or reasons, does not like the Lannisters.
The kingdom of Dorne is ruled by Doctor Bashir from Deep Space Nine, who, it turns out, is the late Oberyn’s brother. One of Oberyn’s daughters (understandably angered by her father’s death) wants to kill Myrcella, but Doctor Bashir insists that that’s not how they do things in Not-Spain, and prudently advises against slaughtering children.
Cersei dispatched Jaime to Dorne to go fetch Myrcella and scope out how things are going. Jaime enlisted the newly ennobled Bronn as backup, and last night we got to see just how awkward Bronn looks in a doublet. Bronn didn’t seem comfortable talking with his chatty fiancée, or wearing something that’s not made of a leather and metal. Jaime’s probably doing him a favor by asking him to come along on another mission that will most likely involve swords and blood. That's Bronn's happy place. Swords. Blood. Viscera. Maybe some ale. Yeah.
Cersei’s also put a bounty on Tyrion’s head, and various mercenaries seem to have taken to slaying any dwarf they find in hopes that it might by him. Cersei gets a delivery of a head, says it’s not Tyrion, and the mercs begin to take it away. Qyburn (Cersei’s new friend who likes to do Frankenstein stuff), with all the grace and charisma of a guy looking at your spare fries and asking “are you going to eat those?” lunges in and says that he’d love to keep the head. For science. Head stuff science.
That's "Lord Commander Snow," to you. The Night's Watch, needing a new Lord Commander, met to elect a new leader in what appears to be the only example of democracy in Westeros or Essos. Jon, initially, didn't want to run, but a rousing speech by Sam convinced the brother's of the Night's Watch that, yes, despite his habit of doing sex with Wildlings, Jon would make a great leader. He won by one vote, with Maester Aemon breaking the tie. Congratulations, Jon! I'm sure you'll do great.
Crap, now I have to check the spelling of “Jaqen H’ghar” when writing these things. Everyone’s favorite homicidal adolescent, Arya Stark, landed in the Venice-like city of Braavos, a city so far known for producing swordsmen, assassins, and bankers. Because of the coin that Jaquen H’ghar gave her some time ago, she was able to book passage to the mysterious House of Black and White just by showing the token and saying the magic words “valar morghulis.” At first, she’s told to leave by the old man who comes to the door, and Arya wanders Braavos, kills a pigeon, and threatens guys with her sword. She eventually waits in the rain like a sad puppy outside the House. The old man comes back and he turns out to be… Jaquen H’ghar! Except he says that he isn’t. He insists that he’s no one, and that that’s who Arya must become. Arya then goes into the creepy building that looks like a mausoleum with the shape-shifting spooky man. It’s probably fine.
Daenerys Targaryen: Blue Dog Democrat Last episode we learned that a bunch of Meereen reactionaries, the Sons of the Harpy, have been terrorizing Dany’s forces. Fortunately, Grey Worm and Dany’s sexy boyfriend rounded up a few of the mask-wearing murder dudes. Unfortunately, before the assassins could sit for a trial, one of Dany’s Meereen advisors took it upon himself to kill the Sons of the Harpy, thinking that weren’t worthy of legal proceedings.
And then Dany fucked things up. In an effort to appear committed to the rule of law even when her own guys are on the line, Dany had her advisor publicly executed. The old Meereen masters already hate her for freeing the slaves, and she’s now pissed off a lot of the former slaves for killing one of their own. The whole thing made Dany look bad, and one member of my viewing party said “Dany, what are you doing, this is why governments make people disappear.”
If Daenerys had been paying attention to politics at all these past couple of years, she’d realize that no matter what Obama does the GOP’s going to dislike him. He can try to reach out, adopt some of their positions, try to talk, etc, but it’s not going to work. Same thing here. Dany can try to style herself as a conservative Blue Dog Democrat who can work with the Republicans/Masters of Meereen, but it’s not going to really get her anything politically. She’s just going to piss off her base, and then there's deadlock and nothing gets done and it's all horrible.
Even Drogon showed up to say hi and then fly off in a huff. Nice job, Dany! Even your pets are pissed at you now.
