GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! But now I know the reason for the pain and the headaches. You left me all alone, now I can't even concentrate. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

The Timbers tie the Vancouver Whitecaps zip-zippo—so what went wrong? Check in for our own Abe Asher's theories in his Blogtown Timbers Recap!

An anti-Islam group in Texas is attacked by two gunmen during an exhibition/contest for cartoons depicting the prophet Muhammad, that would offer a $10,000 grand prize. Both gunmen are dead (and a security guard was injured), but police have not yet released any more info on the subjects. More on this very confusing story later!

Two more Republicans you won't like jumped into the presidential race today, brain surgeon/homophobe Ben Carson and yacht-owning Carly Fiorina.

Meanwhile Rick Santorum comments on Bruce Jenner's transition—and suspiciously says something rather nice.

Baltimore cleans up after last week's Freddie Gray riots, as the mayor finally lifts the city-wide curfew. But there is still much to be explained—such as this reporter being held in jail for 49 hours... for doing his job.

Today in "Dear Lord... what are the cops doing NOW??": New York state police handcuff and shackle 'combative' five-year-old.

Did you watch the snoozy Mayweather/Pacquiao fight? Here's an argument why Mayweather might not be "TBE" (the best ever).

"Hairstyles of a spiky and unorthodox nature" have been reportedly outlawed in Iran, because they imply "devil worship." No tattoos, either, devil worshippers!!

Grace Lee Whitney, best known as Yeoman Janice Rand from the original Star Trek, has passed away at the age of 85.

Happy Star Wars Day, everybody! (Can we just cut the crap and declare it National Admiral Ackbar day? That's the only character people actually care about.)

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Sunny and 70 today—but don't worry, sun haters! You can expect showers for Tuesday and Wednesday.

And finally, here's a new web series I love called Unusual Duels—short animated history lessons of... well... unusual duels. This true story spotlights a topless fencing match between a princess and a countess. YES! (And SFW.)