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David Letterman's final show airs tomorrow night, and the internet's already smothered in think pieces, tributes, and clips. That's because Letterman is the best, and always has been; even the few late-night hosts who've come close—Craig Ferguson, Conan O'Brien—somehow never managed to make the format click quite like Letterman.

But one of Letterman's greatest accomplishments is often forgotten: That time he hung out with the Avengers! It all went down in Avengers No. 239, published in 1984 and written by Roger Stern, with art by Allen Milgrom and Joe Sinnott. It's a comic in which Dave hits a bad guy with a giant doorknob, Paul Shaffer gets stood up by Captain America, and Beast somehow becomes the most obnoxious character in the history of comics. Also, the Vision is a pervert.

Right from the start, you know you're getting one of those Avengers comics that deals with... hmm. What's a nice way to say this? "The Crappy Avengers." If you're looking for Thor, or Iron Man, or Captain America, you're out of luck; the Avengers you get here are Black Panther (he's okay), Beast (who's great when he's kicking it with the X-Men, but here is just the fucking worst), Black Widow (she's not as good as she is in the movies!), Wonder Man (fuck you, Wonder Man), and Hawkeye. Hawkeye generally gets a bad rap, but even I have a hard time defending him here, seeing as how he's half-deaf in this issue thanks to his brilliant decision to stick a "hypersonic arrowhead" in his mouth, like some kind of halfwit child.

So these are our mighty Avengers, and the issue begins with half-deaf Hawkeye bringing his new bride, Mockingbird, to Avengers mansion! They're probably going to have hot Avengers Mansion sex an—GAHHHH! SHIT! IT'S THE VISION'S GIANT FLOATING HEAD!

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Ah, yes: "Say what?" The beloved catchphrase of both Hawkeye and your grandmother.

The Vision's got some dumb reason why he's a floating head now (nobody wants to hear it, weirdo), and explains that Captain America and Thor are "busy with personal matters." (Maybe Marvel should've put that on the cover instead of asking kids to cough up money for an Avengers comic that doesn't feature any of the good Avengers.) Anyway, Hawkeye and Mockingbird are ready to bone, so the Vision discreetly excuses himself.

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JK! The Vision's giant creepy head is totally going to watch them do it. OR HE WOULD, if he didn't get a phone call first. 1) Here's how the Vision answers the phone: "Avengers Mansion!" 2) Ugh. This was before caller ID, or the Vision wouldn't have picked up: The jackass who's calling is Wonder Man, a "reserve Avenger," a self-obsessed aspiring actor, and a jackass. Wonder Man's poor agent has miraculously managed to book him on Letterman—but, as Wonder Man tells the Vision, Letterman's people "want me to bring other Avengers along with me!" Of course they do, you jackass. They only booked you because they were hoping you'd bring guests who suck less.

So—presumably after interrupting Hawkeye and Mockingbird in mid-coitus—the Vision calls everybody: Black Panther (who, like a boss, is chilling on a panther-shaped throne at the Wakandan consulate), Black Widow (who's sunbathing "at a penthouse terrace atop the plush Waldorf Towers"), and Beast (who's hanging upside down, even though he has a chair right there). Beast also insists on calling the Vision "Vizh" and tries to blow off "Avengers business" before learning he gets to be on TV, which makes him very excited.

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MEANWHILE... As the Avengers get ready to be on Letterman, we meet Fabian Stankowicz—a bratty kid who won the lottery, supports his jerk dad, and spends all his time in his garage, building machines and "planning more mischief." (Apparently this kid is a returning Avengers villain, which tells you something about how inept most of the Avengers' bad guys are.) The Avengers are about to spend an entire issue fighting a kid who uses his lottery winnings to hang out in a garage and be sad about his dad being mean. Step aside, Ultron! Begone, Loki! Behold FABIAN STANKOWICZ.

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Fabian, seeing that the Avengers are going to be on Letterman, elaborately sneaks into NBC Studios, using both a fake mustache and then a different fake mustache (plus a fake beard). Great plan, Fabian! Also, no one knows or gives a shit what you look like. More interesting (I guess) is what's going on in Letterman's green room: Hawkeye is bragging to Black Widow about how he's recently become hard of hearing, but then gets super nervous when Mockingbird shows up.

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*Hawkeye immediately starts planning threesome*

And FINALLY, it's Daa-vid Letterman!!

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For everything goofy about this issue, it does a surprisingly great job of capturing Letterman's voice—enough to make me wonder if Letterman or his writers had a hand in some of the dialogue. Paul, on the other hand, isn't so lucky. Or maybe he's just bummed out because he dressed all special for Cap and then Cap couldn't even be bothered to show up.

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Naturally, Dave makes sure to draw attention to Paul's soul-crushing disappointment, then brings out the crappy Avengers.

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For fuck's sake, Beast, can you go anywhere and not be galumphing around? You can walk. You're just choosing not to. Why? For attention? To weird people out? And that—what is that? Are you wearing a muumuu? And white slacks? Just... sit down and chill out, Beast, okay? You're—

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BEAST. Don't pretend like you've never seen a chair before. Just fucking sit down and... okay, you know what? We're moving on. Because Fabian, devilishly disguised as Zach Galifianakis, is—just like you, dear reader—disappointed by the lack of real Avengers. (Fun fact: Just two issues before this one, the Avengers refused to let Spider-Man join their team. Nice work, Avengers!) So there's Fabian, stewing in the audience, because that jackass Wonder Man was not who he had in mind:

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Wait. Did... did Fabian just call She-Hulk... the.. the C-word? Not cool, Fabian. Not cool.

Onstage, we've entered the "Hawkeye talking" portion of the show, and not even Dave can pretend to care. Luckily, Fabian—who, the more I think about it, is kind of the perfect proto-MRA—decides to make things interesting!

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BEE-YOW! What the—?!

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But the worst is about to happen: First, Wonder Man uses this deadly crisis to complain about how he's not on camera at the moment. (Great decision having an actor be an Avenger, guys, instead of Spider-Man.) Second, Beast somehow comes across even worse by calling Wonder Man "Wondy" and lodging a VERY SERIOUS COMPLAINT.

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Guess what, Beast? Fuck your shirt. While Beast worries about his clothes, Paul Schaffer seems to be the only person worried about, oh, I don't know, the HUNDREDS OF INNOCENT CIVILIANS IN DANGER.

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I have some pretty big issues with that guitarist's wardrobe choices, but moving on: So Fabian's whole plan was just to... get on the Letterman show?

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God bless you, Dave: You have more faith in NBC's security guards than you do in the crappy Avengers. As you should. Meanwhile, Fabian's just delighted. "Surprise, Dave! My brilliant plan is revealed! I'm not a man, but a boy! THIS BEARD ISN'T EVEN REAL. I'm an Avengers villain!"

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You know how you can tell Dave's a fucking professional? He carries on the interview, even when it isn't even the interview he signed up for, even when Black Widow's jumping up on his desk like Drew Barrymore, and even when Beast is—JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ON A FUCKING FUCKSTICK. Beast. Beast, look at me. What the fuck are you doing on the ceiling? That isn't even where the bad guy is! Or the evil camera or... just... goddammit, Beast. God fucking dammit.

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Hey, they even got in a notecard-through-the-window gag! Anyway, I'm straight up skipping some pages here, because they're just full of the Avengers trying failing to fight, and Wonder Man being a jackass, and the Avengers leaving it up to Letterman to save the day:

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And thus we come to the moral of this story: Don't mess with David Letterman. He has a giant doorknob behind his desk, and knows how to use it.

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"There are some things, folks, that you won't learn about at the Columbia School of Broadcasting!" Dave tells the audience after Fabian's been arrested and the show's set has been reduced to smoldering ruins. (Paul is nowhere to be be seen. I assume he died.) "I should caution you not to try these tricks at home!"

Home, in fact, is where the Avengers are—taking a well-deserved rest after leaving it up to a former weatherman to save the day. The Vision is disappointed he wasn't there to see them all be terrible, Beast continues his lifelong struggle to comprehend how chairs function, and Black Widow dances while Jarvis brings them all tea! Avengers!

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Hey, cool, Beast is quitting the Avengers!

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Oh... wait. He's starting another superhero team? One that he's in charge of? Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Oh, but just in case you think Beast is bad, don't forget that Wonder Man is still stumbling around and being a self-obsessed prick.

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That news bulletin? "A chemical barge burning out of control on New York's East River!" Fuck your tea, Jarvis! Hawkeye immediately asks for Beast's help (TERRIBLE DECISION, HAWKEYE), and the Avengers head off to their fancy quinjet to save the day—but not before Beast calls Hawkeye "Shafts" (SHUT YOUR FUCKING FUR-HOLE) and Wonder Man and Beast get in a few more lines, just to make sure everyone who's reading hopes their quinjet crashes.

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Nota bene: The final image of this comic is Hawkeye grabbing Mockingbird's ass. Behold—EARTH'S MIGHTIEST HEROES!

Avengers Vol. 1, No. 239 was written by Roger Stern, with art by Allen Milgrom and Joe Sinnott, letters by Jim Novak, and colors by Christie Scheele. (Maybe my favorite thing about this issue: Larry "Bud" Melman" is in the credit block too, under "inspiration.") You can hunt for a copy of this issue in one of Portland's comic shops (you'll probably have particularly good luck finding it at next month's Frankenstein's Comic Book Swap), or you can get a digital copy. Everyone should own this issue, just in case they ever start to like Beast.