About a year and a half ago, I was surprise broken up with by my girlfriend of 2.5 years. I was very much in love with her. It was like all my dreams could come true because I had her. Then I found out that she had been cheating on me. I wanted to move past this, and she said she did too, but said we should stay in a “gray area” and not be official. We kept fucking, and I kept loving her. She would occasionally start crying and tell me how much she loved me. However, things seemed amiss. Still, she told me repeatedly that her 10-year plan was to marry me after she "deserved me again”.

Then, a few days before I had to leave the place where we both had been living—I had to leave, she had to stay for the time being—she told me that the other girl was “magical" but she refused to admit to me that she was waiting for me to leave the country before getting with her again. Of course that’s what happened when I left. Perhaps it had been going on the whole time.

Anyway, I am now in another relationship, and my current partner wants to get married. We’re not engaged or anything yet, but it seems to be headed that way. I want to marry my current partner but not if my ex meant what she said about marrying me at some point. Do you think I should wait 10 years just in case she meant it?

Questioning Everything Daily

She didn't mean it, she was cheating on you the whole time, and no, QED, you shouldn't wait 10 years to see if this lying liar was lying to you about everything or only lying to you about everything except for that one thing. Get on with your life—and, hey, if you decide to marry your new girlfriend, QED, have a nice long engagement, at least two years, just to be on the safe side.

My wife and I have been together for over 10 years, practicing some kind of nonmonogamous agreement for over seven. We tried different things (open dating, FWBs) but after we tried a bi threesome with another guy a year ago, we knew that was our thing.

For a while, everything was great, but roughly a month after that defining threesome I went down with a bad case of mono and everything went downhill from there. In a couple of months, after I was cleared for exercising and wasn't contagious anymore, we resumed our sexdates, and I noticed I had hard time getting horny, and, on occasion, even had a hard time getting (and staying) hard. More foreplay was needed, less distractions were acceptable, thinner condoms had to be used, and I even resorted to pharmaceutical help. We assumed I was still recovering and that diet and exercise would make it all better. Then I had a work-related crisis that lasted until March (and blamed stress from that, since things didn't really change), and finally in March I got shipped off to a warzone.

Here I still don't have that drive I had just a year ago. My brothers-in-arms ogle any and every female that happens to be around and sometimes hook up even though they're not in open relationships—unlike me, who is in one but has no desire to hook up. I rarely masturbate these days (used to do it regularly), and even
when i do, I need sexts and naughty pictures from my wife (and our FWB) to get in the mood. I just recently started to get morning wood again (which is weird), and blame all this on being stressed by, well, being in a warzone.

But even when i type it, i fear all these are just excuses and failures to accept the fact that i'm just getting older and this is how my libido is gonna be from now on. I'm turning 30 in a few weeks, so that doesn't help either.

What are the chances that all that is just an unlucky chain of events, and when this is over, i could go back to being my old horny self?

Currently Occupied Mostly By Arms Though

I asked a doctor—Dr. Barak, a generalist physician at the University of Washington and a regular (if sometimes mortified) guest expert—if mono could damage and/or diminish a guy's libido, ability to stay hard, interest in sex, etc., for nearly a year. He e-mailed me back to say...

Mono is a viral illness for which there is no real treatment other than the tincture of time. Mono is a pretty insidious illness in that it typically causes really really severe fatigue which can linger for a long time. Other common symptoms are muscle and joint aches. Could this fatigue and muscle ache and joint ache slip into affecting mood and interest in sex? They could. Would not be typical, but they could. The duration of mono symptoms is typically around three months, but they can persist to some degree for 1-2 years in more severe cases. None of the effects of mono are typically considered "permanent." So it would be important to reassure someone that the effects of mono that are still present after 12-18 months could still likely resolve as more time passes.

You came down with mono 11 months ago, COMBAT, so you're still in that 1-2 year symptoms-could-persist window. You were also shipped off to a combat zone—which is stressful and potentially libido-impairing. The fact that morning wood is returning would seem to be a good sign, as is the fact that a few dirty texts from the girl back home and your regular FWB can crank you up. Be reassured, like the doctor said, that things—your dick included—will most likely right themselves in another 6-12 months. And come home safe!

I've never written, but I felt compelled to after reading DEHUMANE's letter and your response. Sorry, Dan, but you missed the most OBVIOUS point, in this scenario, in your response, in my opinion. I believe Recon guy not only tricked and decieved DEHUMANE, he broke the agreement. Recon guy agreed not to leave any marks and most people will argue he didn't, but it will be OBVIOUS to anyone who knows DEHUMANE that he is hairless. The absence of his hair is noticeable and is, therefore, a mark left by Recon guy. It's obvious Recon guy can't be trusted and DEHUMANE should obviously avoid future play sessions with him. But will DEHUMANE avoid Recon guy? I don't think so. It's obvious he wrote seeking your approval and permission to do so.

No Untrustworthy Tops, Seriously!

In defense of Recon Guy, NUTS, after DEHUMANE told him he didn't want to be "marked," Recon Guy asked him for a clarification—what exactly did "no marks" mean to DEHUMANE?—and DEHUMANE said, "No bruises, no welts, no red marks." Mr. Recon left no bruises, welts, or red marks. Shaving off someone's body hair is a limit-pushing dick move, that's for sure, but it's not as if Recon Guy cut off his pinky toes. Recon Guy pushed DEHUMANE's limits, yes, and that was probably too much, too soon, for a novice like DEHUMANE, but I don't think that means Recon Guy is an unsafe player.

I too got the impression that DEHUMANE wanted to play with Recon Guy again—which is why I recommended that he have a much more detailed conversation with Recon Guy about his limits, make it clear that only things that were ruled in were on the menu, and ideally bring his boyfriend along to any future play/dehumanization sessions.