Hello! Did you people watch last night's exposition-filled episode of True Detective? Wonderful! Well, my spoiler-filled recap is after the jump... but don't worry, I staunchly REFUSE to put in any boring stuff (which means it'll be pretty short). Okay, True Detective fans... let's get CHITTY-CHATTING!

MORE AFTER THE JUMP!

Here's what I'm thinking about last night's episode, "Black Maps and Motel Rooms":

1) The non-action kicks off right after Ani's infiltration of the Billionaire Boys House of Orgies™, where she's still coming down from the Molly™ Brand Breath Freshener she took last week. Recounting her adventure she starts to mix up details between what happened that night and her hippie sexual assault when she was a kid. When Ray presses her for details, she says, "I don't like to talk about that." Ray responds, "That's what I like about you." SO SAY WE ALL, RAY, SO SAY WE ALL. Can we move along, please? Ker-SNOOZE, ker-SNOOZE! Thank you!

2) Meanwhile the noose is tightening on our three heroes with an arrest warrant for Ani (for filleting that security guard), Ray being framed for the murder of that lady assistant AG, and Hottie Ponch McCHiPs getting extorted over his hot gay porn pictures. Frankly, those are the WORST gay porn shots I've ever seen. They look like the gay equivalent of one of those farmers only dating services. Ponch panics and puts his fiancee and mother in the same crappy hotel room—who as we will later discover will be there FOREVER. On three everybody... one, two, three: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!

3) Meanwhile Frankie "Triple Eyebag" McGoombah discovers that his most trusted henchman sold him out to that Russian Israeli guy (AKA confusing bad guy character #3,457... collect all 10,000). Frank reacts well, by grinding glass into the guy's face, choking him, and after getting all the info he needs, shooting him in the gut, and watching him slowly die and defecate all over his office carpet. (The cleaning staff will not be happy.) Later, his wife walks in, and sees dead henchman on the floor. "This is me, under the bright lights, baby" Frank crows. "Whaddaya say we steal all the money, burn down the casinos, and fly off to Argentina?" And she says exactly what she always says in every situation. "Okay!" (It should be noted that cutting gas lines, pouring liquor on the floor, and then lighting it up with a book of matches is exactly how I leave the Mercury offices every Friday.)

4) So Ani tries to get information out of the rescued hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold, but as it turns out? She doesn't have a heart of gold at all! In fact, she's kind of a b-hole! She gives up a bit of info, but wants to go back to livin' the Orgy Life, and refuses to go home with her sister and panty-sniffing husband. "BUT HE NO SNIFF PANTIES NO MORE!" says the extremely unconvincing sis. Ani hops up on her high horse as well and notes, "You can't just spend your life fucking," to which rescued hooker says the most true words ever spoken, "EVERYTHING IS FUCKING." (Drops the mic, and leaves the cafeteria as the entirety of the senior class rises to give her a slow-clap standing ovation.)

5) Anyway, lots of blah, blah, blah exposition later—in which the only pertinent information you need to know is that Caspere the Dead Pervert's murder was probably committed by the kids who witnessed their parents' jewel robbery—Ani and Ray finally decided to mash their genitals together and do the BOW-CHICKA-WOW-WOW-WOW. It's not very hot, and I would have much rather seen a Hottie McPonch pre-assassination gay sex scene.

6) SPEAKING OF WHICH! Ponch McCHiPs goes to a secret meeting place to confront his blackmailers about those not-very-hot gay pics, but quickly calls Ray to inform him "something doesn't feel right." He hangs up before Ray has a chance to say, "No shit, dummy! Also, me and Ani just BOW-CHICKA-WOW-WOW-WOWed." As it turns out, Ponch's blackmailers are his old Blackwater-ish military crew who OF COURSE are also entangled in the conspiracy. He's taken underground where there are "miles of tunnels" but uses the opportunity to sneak around and kill all his old pals—including his ex-lover who says, "You know, this never would have happened if you were okay being gay." OH, NOW YOU TELL HIM!

7) Ponch McCHiPs walks out of one of those "miles of underground tunnels" like a boss, and then? POW! POW! His old cop boss just happens to have chosen the correct door out of those "miles of underground tunnels" to shoot Ponch in the back, instantly killing him. OR DID HE? I bet he used the same rubber bullets he used on Ray in the second episode, and Ponch will be back next week having hot gay sex with a hot gay hospital orderly. Or not. (Fast forward six months later, when the skeletal remains of his fiancee and mom are finally found in that hotel room.)

8) OKAY! So that was the penultimate episode for the season, and HOO BOY, was it an exposition-filled stinker! As usual, I have no idea what's going on with this conspiracy, and I'm pretty sure the creators don't either. Hopefully we got all this bamboozlement out of the way, and the final 90-minute episode will involve lots of shooting, knife-fights, eyebag surgery, and e-cig smoking. WHAT DID YOU THINK? Leave your valued opinions in the comments, and I'll see YOU next week!