I am a proud mom of one of Portland's most ubiquitous—and ridiculous—dog breeds: the pug. I got Oscar from a local shelter, where he was found tied up outside. "How could somebody abandon something so adorable?!" I wondered at the time. Later I realized it was because he barks at nothing, farts like a grandpa, and is the straight-up devil's spawn in the car. And if I can make it work with my evolutionary abnormality, I'm pretty sure I can help you too! Here are my best bets for fixing your janky pets:

If you have a gigantic dog but you can't ride it:

Buy a saddle, and get a My Buddy. Style the My Buddy to look like you, put it in the saddle, and stand at 100 yards' distance.

If your rodent is boring:

Get your hamster a friend, and then start a blog about their animal friendship! I bet it would look cute with a snake! Get a snake. Get them matching hats. Take pictures.

If your friends don't like your cat:

Obviously, stop being friends. But if you can't do that, try giving your cat a cool haircut. You can make any cat into a miniature lion with an electric razor and like three minutes. Anybody who doesn't like your cat-lion will be run outta town.

If your dog gets boners while he shits in public:

When I have company, my dog gets a boner and sits on the back of the couch, staring down at them disapprovingly. It's crazy disturbing. Sorry, but dogs can't be talked out of being disgusting.

feature-improvement.jpg
  • KELSEY WROTEN

CONTINUE READING>>>