I have a question. I'm half-Mexican, 40's, gay, and male. In my youth I was a weak nerd who was made fun of by jocks—and now I am very attracted to young white straightish jocks. So much so that they're all I go for. And when I find one that lets me have sex with them? It feels amazing, like incredibly fulfilling, I feel so special that he's letting me into his bodies and his realm. I'm only in for the short term, obviously, and so this is only briefly fulfilling. My adult sex life has been a cycle of finding these guys and I'm really only turned on by this one type. Do you think this cycle can be broken? If I maybe learned to "love myself" and no longer needed the attention of these guys to feel good—maybe I could broaden my spectrum of attraction? Or is it pretty hard "coded" at this point? Obviously this is going nowhere.

Former Ethnic Weakling

I'm not convinced that loving yourself more will result in your finding these young white straightish jocks (YWSJ) any less attractive, FEW, but you go ahead and love yourself more anyway.

A good place to start: the language you use to talk about your interactions with YWSJs: they're not just letting you have sex with them, they're getting to have sex with you; you feel great when you're in their bodies, they feel great when you're in their bodies; you're entering their bedrooms and presumably their buttholes, you're not entering their "realms." (They're gay dudes just like you, FEW, not monarch. Their buttholes aren't wardrobes, their rectums aren't Narnia.)

As for learning to find other kinds of guys attractive: sleep with other guys, date other guys, see if anything/anyone clicks. I know that when I was young—when I was just out—I was only attracted to one very particular type of guy. Those guys were scarce and the ones I could find weren't interested in me (the hair may have had something to do with it), FEW, so I hooked up with and dated other types guys and—wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles—my spectrum of attraction broadened quickly and considerably. (I like to think I was attracted to other types of guys all along, FEW, I just didn't realize it.)

But I was a teenager then, FEW, and you're a grown ass man now. The bullshit gay beauty ideal and/or your longing for the approval/butts of those cruel high school jocks and/or your failure to explore other types over the last 25 years may have carved a groove in you that's too deep to overcome. So perhaps a workaround instead? Find a non-YWSJ guy who's into the same type you are—someone you click with emotionally and intellectually, someone who is looking for a serious-but-non-monogamous commitment—and spit roast a YWSJ together on your wedding night.

There are lots of gay men out there in loving, committed, successful relationships whose partners aren't their physical ideals. But since gay men are much less hung up on monogamy, FEW, many of these men are able to have their loving, committed, successful relationships and the occasional hookup with the twink/bear/otter/daddy/Dom/sub/YWSJ/whatever of their dreams. (And people lucky enough to wind up with their physical ideals? One day they'll find themselves with partners who aren't their physical ideals—if their relationships last long enough.)