GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! It was plain to see that a small town boy like me Just-a wasn't your cup of tea. It was wishful thinkin'. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Alek Skarlatos, the Oregon man who helped smack down the French train terrorist, is joining the cast of Dancing with the Stars. This is one of those things in which my only response is to say, "Hmm."

A former OSU student sues the university, claiming that ex-football coach Mike Riley failed to correct the sexually violent culture that led to her 1999 rape.

The Oregonian announces their newest food event: Portland Nacho Week. Oh, and Oregonian? YOU'RE WELCOME.

A Vancouver police dog is stabbed to death during a struggle with a fugitive.

President Obama nabs the 34th senator he needed to secure his nuclear deal with Iran, vexing the Republicans who wanted to reject the deal.

That strong proponent of heterosexual marriage, Kentucky clerk Kim Davis, has been married four times. THAT'S HOW MUCH SHE LOVES HET MARRIAGES!

New York governor Andrew Cuomo decides to pay fast-food workers a $15 minimum wage by 2018, inspiring right wing nut job Richard "Dr. Evil" Berman to post this billboard in Times Square. (Looks like they found their model over at Burnside 26.)

A Texas teen accidentally shoots and kills himself while taking a selfie with a gun.

Author Anthony Horowitz apologizes for saying that actor Idris Elba was "too street" to play James Bond.

In Hollywood gossip, Kermit the Frog has apparently already moved on from his longtime relationship Miss Piggy, and has been seen canoodling with this new dish, Denise the Pig. (I bet he met her on Ashley Madison.)

Now here's what's happening in the WEATHER outside: Scattered showers and 72 today, but a gorgeous Labor Day weekend is ahead!

And finally, here is the greatest thing you'll see all day: Kanye West's VMA speech set to the Seinfeld theme song!