GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Did I say something true? Oops, I didn't know I couldn't talk about sex. (I must have been crazy.) LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Some of the grieving residents of Roseburg are not at all happy about President Obama's upcoming visit to their community—especially after showing his support for gun control. AND IN A VERY RELATED STORY...

According to the CDC, there were 33,636 deaths by gunfire in the US in 2013. Below is a map they produced showing were they took place (red = bad). Perhaps unsurprisingly, a large number of these deaths occurred in rural areas... like in Roseburg... you know, where they have more guns. I'm sure there's no connection, though.

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Naturally this situation has everyone twitchy, with Grant High School and Beverly Cleary School closing down temporarily yesterday after someone reported they saw someone with a gun, while Southern Oregon University closed its doors today after receiving an undescribed "potential threat."

Also in case you missed it yesterday, local coffee institution Stumptown has been sold to Peet's Coffee—though the management insists that business will continue as usual. (If you missed Mercury contributor's Alex Falcone's tweets on the subject... check 'em out, they're a goddamn hoot.)

In a perfectly "Portland" story, thieves make off with a truckload of tofu and organic juices. HAR HAR HAR hugghhh.

Whoops, I probably should've led off with this BUT: A Christian group is predicting that TODAY the earth will be "annihilated" probably by "God" and with "fire." (Sounds like someone likes to play Clue! Don't forget to pick up some burn salve and I'll check you guys on the flip side.) AND IN A VERY RELATED STORY...

According to this report, nuclear smugglers are explicitly seeking out terrorists and other enemies of the west to sell their weapons. Sooooo... maybe I shouldn't have laughed so soon about this whole "annihilation of earth" thing.

Hillbillies in the Arkansas state government thought it would be cute to cut off payments to Planned Parenthood; Planned Parenthood responds by taking their silly hillbilly asses to court.

IN OTHER HILLBILLY NEWS:

A county commission in Tennessee on Tuesday night will consider a resolution asking God to spare citizens from the wrath of God that may rain down on them as a result of the U.S. Supreme Court's ruling legalizing gay marriage.

Russia is pumping up their airstrikes against terrorist organizations in Syria (supposedly), firing 29 missiles from their warships.

A model has accused much-accused comedian Bill Cosby of drugging and sexually assaulting her at the Playboy mansion in 2008.


Now let's check in on the natural phenomenon we call WEATHER: Cooler today with a mix of showers and sunshine.

And finally, it's two bears vs. an extremely angry and small French bulldog. ON WHOM... DO... YOU... WAGER?!?