Tweet something calm, measured, and thoughtful about gun control—like the tweet I wrote on October 1 after hearing about the 142nd school shooting and 986th mass shooting since Sandy Hook—and your feed fills up with furious tweets from outraged gun humpers. Fuck you fucking liberals, fucking die of AIDS you fucking faggot, get the fuck out of my fucking country, etc. Specious arguments are occasionally stirred into the invective—"The same gun control laws that work everywhere else in the developed world couldn't possibly work here!"—with Barack Obama's supposed hypocrisy on gun control being a particular favorite among the ammosexuals.

I'm not going to dig up an example of one of these tweets—life is too short to pick through that particular pile of shit—but here's how the argument goes: Obama is a hypocrite because he wants to take your guns away, the guns you use to protect your family. But Obama and his family are protected by people with what? BY PEOPLE WITH GUNS! SECRET SERVICE AGENTS! THEY HAVE GUNS! If Obama doesn't believe people need guns to protect themselves and their families then why does Obama have armed guards with him wherever he goes?!? What a fucking hypocrite! Blah blah Kenyan Alinsky Muslim blah.

Never mind that keeping a gun in your home makes your family less safe, not more safe. And never mind that Obama doesn't want to take all our fucking guns away. (Never mind and too bad.) All Obama wants to do is make guns a little bit harder to get—just a tiny bit—so that bad guys and deranged guys have a slightly harder time getting their bad and deranged hands on guns. But don't worry, gun humpers: Even if Obama gets his way we'll still have plenty of massacres and mass shootings and dead kids to go around.

But for the sake of argument let's pretend the gun humpers are right: Obama says guns make us less safe while guys with guns keep him safe and that makes Obama a hypocrite. You know who else is a hypocrite then?

Every last asshole running for the GOP nomination. Trump, Carson, Jeb, Fiorina, Rubio: every asshole seeking the GOP nomination toes the NRA line. Guns make us safer, the problem isn't too many guns but too few, we need good guys with guns to take out the bad guys with guns, if only the everyone in that movie theater—or that classroom or that classroom or that classroom or that classroom—had had a gun, then the good guys could've stopped the bad guy.

Okay.

Then all the Republicans running for president must announce that on day one—the same day they repeal Obamacare, tear up the Iran deal, and appoint Kim Davis to the Supreme Court—they're gonna remove the metal detectors from the White House grounds and allow Americans to carry loaded guns into the White House. If having more guns around is a great way to keep you and your family safe, then having more guns around should be a great way to keep the president and his family safe. If heavily armed randos wandering around our schools, workplaces, churches, and amusement parks make all of us safer, then heavily armed randos should be allowed to wander through the East Room on White House tours and attend state dinners with their concealed weapons and open carry in the James S. Brady Press Briefing Room—you know, to keep the president safe.

And if a bad guy with a gun should attempt to take advantage of our new Republican president's logically-consistent, non-hypocritical policy on people carrying guns into the White House—bring 'em on!—then all the good guys with guns in the White House can pull out their weapons start blasting away until the all the bad guys are dead. That's how the Republicans running for president think it should work where you live and work. Why shouldn't it work that way where our Republican president lives and works?

But if that's not the way they think it should work at the White House—if Republicans candidates for president support open carry and concealed carry everywhere but there—then they're a bunch of fucking hypocrites.