1. The bigger the better
Not all folks like big dicks. Not all folks can even agree on what a big dick is! Ask your friends and family what they thought of Lenny Kravitz' penis, and I promise you will NOT get a straight answer across the board. Sure, the porn industry and the mass media masculinity machine have skewed public opinion. But Iâm here to tell you, a large penis comes with itâs own share of shortcomings: You big boys gotta take things slow, always gotta wear underwear to strap down your hog, and backdoor action is but an elusive, beautiful dream. Hereâs a news flash to all the fools who still believe bigger is better: VAGINAS COME IN DIFFERENT SIZES, TOO (and butts come in different stages of elasticity. And hearts come in different volumes of courage). You and your partner will figure out how to jam your parts together no matter what sizes you areâthatâs part of the fun. Iâve had a good time with all sizes, from Shaq to Muggsy Bogues. Trust me! It REALLY IS about the motion in the ocean, so bring your motion!
And hey, sometimes genital sizes donât match up. And thatâs when you face the music, and you make out in the shower, you have great conversation, and you probably go down on each other, then you go out for Thai food. And the world doesnât stop turning just because you couldnât fuck in a way that you thought was the ânormalâ way.
2. Sex needs to last a long time
Youâve heard the old set-up about how to prolong sex: When you are looking down the barrel of your little death, just use your imagination and focus your mind on ANY innocuous thing, anything to keep you from blowing. Example: baseball, your grandmother, Climate Change, Transformers: Age of Extinction, Ben Carson, the death of the middle class, and how you still havenât paid your Arts Tax. All those distractions! I wonât have any of it! That mental confusion in an attempt to prolong sex only serves your ego. Your partner doesnât want some all-night fuckathon after youâve already left the emotional party.
MORE TIPS ON HOW TO DO SEX AFTER THE JUMP!
Instead of trying to prolong, why donât you focus on giving this show a narrative? For example: If youâve been thrusting for a few minutes and you're close to losing your juice, put the brakes on, pull out and do something different. New position, new roleplay, new friction, new toy, and if you canât think of any variables to change up, you need more help than I can offer, my frisky friend. If you turn the wheel at the last minute while youâre with your partner, theyâll understand whatâs going on; if this is a new friend, youâll just seem like a sexual adventurer! Whoa! Check out Christopher ColumBUSTING LOADS LEFT AND RIGHT! Look out, Robinson CaruSO GOOD AT SEX!
3. Dick Pics
This is a phrase that entered our lexicon and, like a ferocious dog, wonât let go. Dick pics have been the downfall of celebrities, politicos, and Brett Farve (whatever he is). My problem is not with the general urge to share the gift that the good lord gave you, itâs that, more often than not, these pictures are grainy, poorly lit, and really weird. If youâre going to take one, hereâs an idea: PICK UP YOUR ROOM. If Iâm going to be at all intrigued by your dong, clean up! The dirty towels on your floor will steal your dudeâs thunder every time. If itâs in the shot, make your bed; use some thought about backdrop and for sure do NOT take a picture near a TOILET. Nobody wants to get the sex stuff mixed up with the bathroom stuff... well, some folks do and I donât judge those folks, but you know who you are and you know thatâs not a thing to SPRING on a lady. So keep it out of the bathroom, and stay away from adding props for âscale.â You know that I know that Red Bull cans come in two sizes now... so donât try any illusions, David Blaine.
Taking pictures of your junk is hard. Arm length, lighting, your kids toys on the floor of your bedroomâthese are all things that are going to put a wet blanket on your dick pick parade. The truth of the matter is that we probably donât really want pictures of your dick. Itâs not that your dick is ugly, or that itâs less arousing than vaginas, itâs just that weâre gay dudes, women and other folks who have to deal with dick-ownersâand we know not to ask for things that are spectacular opportunities for misstep. Thatâs why we donât really want dick pics. OK, maybe someone does, but not unsolicited ones, and not when we arenât expecting them. Like at brunch.
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