GWYNETH PALTROW Everyone concurs: SHES THE WORST.
  • GWYNETH PALTROW Everyone concurs: SHE'S THE WORST.

Dears! Last week, we ran down the runners-up for our annual "award" of the Absolute Worst Person or Thing in the World for 2015 Ever —a list that included such contenders as Donald Trump, Kim Davis, Johnny Depp's dumb little novelty dogs, and America's gun nuts! But all of them were just appetizers for the horrible main course... the ACTUAL Absolute Worst Person or Thing in the World for 2015 Ever! Brace yourselves, dears. For—like a storm cloud on the horizon, like blood in your stool—here comes Gwyneth.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 29
Gwyneth Paltrow thinks you should steam your vagina. In an article from her stupid lifestyle site Goop, Gwynnie suggests going to a fancy Korean spa in Santa Monica, where "a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al.," she explains. "It is an energetic release—not just a steam douche—that balances female hormone levels. If you're in LA, you have to do it." FUCK YOU, GWYNETH. In the interest of goddamned common sense, OB/GYN Dr. Jen Gunter shoved some knowledge into Gwyneth's goddamned empty head. "Steam is probably not good for your vagina," she pointed out. "Herbal steam is no better and quite possibly worse. It is most definitely more expensive... if you want to relax your vagina, have an orgasm."

THURSDAY, MARCH 19
Today Gwyneth actually said this out loud to CNN: "I'm incredibly close to the common woman, in that I'm a woman and I'm a mother and we all are in a physical body with beating hearts." Then she walked away to run a few "common woman" errands, such as picking out a new spring wardrobe (that only cost $450,000), which she'll wear while meeting the Dalai Lama, and afterward, if she has time, maybe drop by a spa to get her vagina steamed. You know.... "common woman things."

CONTINUE READING>>>