As the trees and buildings thaw (and you ask your neighbors from the midwest "how the EFF does anyone live like this?") the Planet Hoth outside of my Tabor apartment has me pondering the best conditions for being snowed-in with a lover. Being snowed-in with the right provisions and a sexy lover can be a recipe for a romance novel-worthy fuck-a-thon. Here are my thoughts on how to seize the opportunity:

1. Light Candles: Obviously. Nothing stokes love’s fire like… fire. Also, candles are important because our frozen trees keep tearing through power lines like wet tissue paper.

2. Get Stream-y and Steamy: When you and your lovah run out of things to talk about, fire up your laptop and consume. I strongly recommend against binge-worthy TV: Making a Murderer, X-Files, etc. Try a movie or a stand-up comedy special. HBO is streaming Troop Beverly Hills, which has an 8% rating on Rotten Tomatoes—consider it a personality test.

3. Netflix’s fake fireplace: I suck at building fires. I wasn’t a girl scout (Because troop leader Phyllis Neffler wasn’t there to make it fabulous). EVERYONE loves a fireplace, so why not try a fake one? It’s wonderfully kitschy and somehow genuinely comforting. It must have been the weather or the Blueberry Kush, but listening to that cracklin’ fire, I could almost FEEL the heat coming off my 40” Panasonic. #CrazyBrag

MORE COZY SECRETS AFTER THE JUMP!

4. Gather Provisions: Booze, wine, pot... basically your opiate of choice, and snacks. If you made it to New Seasons like me and all 500 of my neighbors, be sure to stock up on fruits, and something to make a simple cooking project—but nothing too rich. I suggest a simple soup. You’re confined to a small space with your boo, use your head. You’re trying to take a bus to Bone Town, not the Diarrhea Express.

5. Eucalyptus Oil: Speaking of G.I. drama (and I don’t mean American Sniper), here’s a life-changing tip from your big sister Bri: shake a few drops of Eucalyptus Oil into the toilet bowl before you go. It’ll trap aromas and drag them back to their watery hell. Everybody poops, but there’s no reason to remind your fuck buddy and your roommates.

6. Board Games: Something simple, nothing anyone takes too seriously. I discovered a new game called Dixit, and love it! Poker and other simple card games are great. Choose shorter things, rather than something that will take over an evening. (For example: Bananagrams over Scrabble.) And by all means, DO NOT PLAY MONOPOLY.

7. Separate Spaces: Find some time to get away from each other. Take a shower, step out for a smoke, or take a walk (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPTt6MgsOt8">you’ll fall down a bunch, it’s fun... sort of). If you're in a studio apartment, put on your earbuds and clean your bathtub.

I hope you can find some comfort and joy in your weird, snowglobe vacation. If you're stuck with your boo, take time away from the lover’s bed to relax and rejuvenate like the roots below the frost. Bake some brownies, call your parents, and get your shit together—because we probably are all going to work the next day. This is Portland, after all.

Wishing you stir-crazy love and end-of-the-world sex,
@BriPruett